


Free (Like You Make Me)

by thefangirlingdead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Based after they defeat the titans, Exploring beyond the walls, Falling In Love, First Time, Lots of Levi trying to figure out his feelings, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Rating and tags will change as the fic goes on, Riding, Slow Build, gross sappy loving old man sex, like MOUNTAINS of angst, oh hey look the rating changed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-11 10:42:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 42,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a stark contrast between living within the walls and living without them, and it takes Levi a while of living on his own without them to figure out exactly what it is that he wants out life and his new found freedom. It takes him a while to figure out that it's Erwin that he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'll Break us out of This Jail

**Author's Note:**

> _I'll take your place when the world ends_   
>  _And you take mine_   
>  _I'll break us out of this_   
>  _Jail and get you high_
> 
> _'Cause when it all ends,_  
>  _I want you to be free_  
>  _Free like you make me_  
>  \- [Free Like You Make Me](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U06lx1bspw) \- Cary Brothers
> 
>  **A/N:**  
>  I know that this first chapter is really short and I apologize, but it's sort of supposed to serve as a prelude to everything else. I promise that all of the other chapters will be much longer than this!  
> Also, this is my first _long_ fic I've written for this pairing and I'm really excited to share it with you all! Chapter updates will hopefully be once a week, as I don't like to leave you hanging for too long, but I apologize if I get busy along the way, haha.

There's a stark contrast between living within the walls, and living without them.

In the walls, with the constant fear of titans attacking at any moment, it's easy for one to get caught up in that way of life. For Levi, it's that urgency - that _need_ to complete the mission, to "free mankind from the walls" as Erwin put it once - that he gets stuck in. The urgency to defeat the titans. To live free again.

He never gets a moment to breathe. Never gets a moment to sit back, to think about what life _will_ be like when they win, because it seems like such an unattainable goal.

Levi doesn't realize that he gets stuck in that mentality, though to be fair, nobody does. It's hard to sit back and look at those kinds of things, when you're fighting for humanity on a daily basis. It's hard to sit back and think about what life will be like after the titans. It’s hard to think about what you’ll want out of life after it’s over. After there's no need for the walls.

Honestly, Levi always figured that he'd die before they ever reached the end.

So when they finally win - when mankind finally takes back what is rightfully theirs - Levi doesn't allow himself that moment to breathe, as he has so rightfully earned. He doesn't allow himself to sit back and relax with his fellow comrades. He's not one of the people cheering and dancing in the streets when that day finally comes. Though to be fair, either is Erwin, though that's for his own reasons, and Levi doesn’t question them.

The last time he sees Erwin, they're standing in an office, overlooking one of the main streets of Trost District. He crosses his arms, looking down at the city, at his comrades and trainees - he can clearly spy Mikasa and Eren, if he looks hard enough - running through the street, celebrating.

"For a while, it seemed like it would never happen," Erwin's voice is soft behind him before he feels a hand on his shoulder. He spares his Commander and glance before nodding in agreement.

"It still doesn't seem real."

It's silent for a long moment between the two of them. For the first time in a long time, they don't have any plans to discuss. No new tactics they need to go over, nor any new problems that they need to take care of. No, for the first time in a long time, things are calm.

It makes Levi feel uneasy, and while Erwin's touch is welcome - it always is - he pulls away, turning to leave the window.

"I'm leaving in the morning," He murmurs, grabbing his jacket from where it sits on an empty chair. He turns again to glance at Erwin. Part of him - the part that's used to obeying his orders, to trusting Erwin over himself - waits to hear what he'll have to say.

"We'll be gathering up old maps tomorrow, if you want to wait," He replies, and the look that he gives Levi sort of says it all. He doesn't want him to leave. Not yet.

Levi, however, misses that. He misses that look amongst the thoughts already swarming around in his head. "I'd rather see it for myself," He mutters. He turns to leave the room at that, to make his way back to his own quarters. He has plenty of planning to do if he's going to be ready to leave by morning.

And with a promise on his tongue to say goodbye in the morning before he leaves, Levi is out the door.

The next morning, however, he gets a late start. And while he wants to search for Erwin, to thank him for everything, when he doesn't find him in his room, he decides that he doesn't have the time.

He leaves without saying goodbye.


	2. Stonehands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I know you got hands of stone_  
>  _And I know you got hands of stone_  
>  _Crush everything I’ve ever known_  
>  _Including my bones, when you left home for the unknown_  
> [Stonehands](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keHBpQiw-Y8) \- Balance And Composure 
> 
> **A/N:**   
>  I really hadn't planned on a double update today, but I'm bored and kind of itching to get the second chapter up since the first one is so short, so yeah!  
> Expect another update sometime next week!

It's a weird feeling, being able to leave the walls freely. It's weird when Levi rides out on his own on that first afternoon without a mission or his squad or his Commander by his side. And it's weird - but freeing - when he pushes his horse into a gallop and _doesn't_ have to worry about looking out for titans.

He does, however, even though he knows he won't see any. Old habits die hard, he supposes.

Having never really glanced at a map, Levi decides to head west once he's free of the walls, unsure of what he'll find, but excited nonetheless.

For years, he'd dreamt of a day that he'd be free from the confines of the walls. From the confines of the city and the terrible people around it. And while he finds himself wishing, as he rides off on his own, that he had someone to share it with -

_Someone like Farlan. Or Isabel. Or even Erwin..._

\- he finally does feel free.

Levi only takes what he needs - what he can carry on horseback - with him, which includes a rifle, a cot, some food, spare clothes, and fresh water. And he keeps his military gear. He keeps his coat and his cloak and his maneuver gear. It's partially because he feels lost without them - once again, old habits die hard - and partially because he hopes they'll come in handy.

On the beginning of his second day, they do. He wakes just after dawn, under the shade of a tall tree not too horribly far from the walls - they’re still visible off in the distance - and uses his maneuver gear to swing up to high branch, scouting out his path for the day. What he doesn't expect, however, is to be caught off guard by the sheer beauty of even the boring flat lands he's gown to know out on missions when it's not soiled by titans.

And for the first time, Levi catches himself taking a breath. Lingering. He catches himself slowing down, taking it all in. To the right, he can see the walls, just a small speck off in the distance, completely overshadowed by the vast expanse of the world around him.

_He's free._

And then things seem urgent again. Unable to choose a direction - they all look the same to him - Levi swings back down from the tree, finishes packing up his things, and keeps heading west.

* * *

 

The road is quiet when he doesn't have anyone to share it with. 

It takes almost a week for Levi to realize that. He also realizes, on the morning of the sixth day, that it's the longest he's been outside of the walls. The longest he's spent away from everything - from everyone.

Levi's not much of talker, he never has been, but it doesn't stop him from realizing how loud his voice is in his ears when he mutters " _stay here_ ," to Elsa when he ties her up to go hunting that afternoon. It doesn't stop him from realizing how he sort of _misses_ having someone to talk to. For a split second, as he follows some deer tracks through the dirt, he wishes that he had someone with him.

And then he promptly shakes that thought from his head.

He's better off on his own, with nobody to hold him back. Nobody loud to scare the small deer away, as he takes aim and kills it on his first shot. No, he doesn't need anyone else, he decides. He needs a new start on his own.

Right?

* * *

 

On the evening of the eighth day, Levi finds an abandoned town. It's small - he can see maybe a dozen houses from where he sits on horseback, on top of the hill - but he decides to investigate. If nothing else, it'll provide him with some shelter for the night, before he leaves in the morning.

About half of houses, he realizes once he gets close enough, are still fairly intact, despite how long they've been abandoned and the fact that neighboring ones have obviously been crushed by titans. They're old and outdated and caked it dust, but they're still sturdy and standing, and Levi decides it'll do. He chooses a small one with a large tree out front, ties his horse up, and decides to venture inside.

It's small and dust-covered, just like everything else, but Levi decides that it's the best he's going to get, and when he finds a broom, propped up in the corner of what used to be a kitchen, he finds himself smiling and picking it up. He doesn't clean much, mostly just what he believes used to be the main room of the house, just a big enough area for him to set up camp for the night.

That night, Levi even ends up building a little fire in the old fireplace, allowing himself some light to see well enough to write. He pulls a notebook out of one of his bags, as well as a pen, and begins drawing out a map. Since the day he left, he hasn't really allowed himself enough time to sit down and map out his travels, and he decides that now is as good of a time as ever.

He hasn't come across much - mostly just wide open fields, rolling hills, and some marsh lands here and there - but he still maps it out to the best of his ability, even sketching out a couple of pictures, just in case. Tomorrow, he decides that he'll work on finding a river or even a little creek to refill his canteen before continuing west.

When he lies down to sleep that night, he finds himself wondering what Erwin would think of the small town that he found. He finds himself wondering which way Erwin would want to go, if he were there.

And then he shakes the thought from his head. He isn't Erwin's solider anymore, and while he valued his friendship - even his companionship - when he was within the walls, he doesn't need it anymore. Or well, he hopes.

* * *

 

The next day, Levi rides for three hours before he comes across any source of fresh water. It's mid day by the time he sees the line of trees and tall grass in the distance, and when he does spot it, he can't help the smile that spreads across his face as he kicks Elsa into a gallop.

He had been expecting a creek, maybe even a small stream, but when he finally approaches the trees, Levi hears the distinct sound of a roaring river.

"It's our lucky day," He comments, patting Elsa on the neck, trying not to think about the fact that he's talking to an _animal_ , and instead swings his leg off of her, leading her up to the riverbed by foot. It's wide, at least a good five meters across, and fast. And when he kicks his boots off for the sake of washing off, he's surprised to find that it's ice cold, even in the summer.

And as he wades into the water, stopping once he's up to his knees, he's reminded of the last time he came across a river similar to the one he's standing in, and can't help but wonder if it's the same one.

_It had been on his third mission as a member of the Survey Corps. Erwin was taking them on a routine run of the area, just a test run to see how the new recruits deal with being outside of the wall. It was supposed to be an easy mission, with only a slight risk of coming across any titans, but that hadn't been the case._

_They had been riding through the trees, almost halfway to their turnaround point, when the first titan was spotted. And when there had been more - signal flares telling them that they were coming from the left, where Farlan and Isabel were - Levi had lost it._

_He had disobeyed Erwin's orders - even as he screamed at him to stop - and stood up on his horse's back before using his maneuver gear to soar off in the direction of his friends._

_The problem was, he was using new gear. The stuff that he and his friends had when Erwin had recruited them was outdated, over five years old, so after joining the Corps, they had been given newer, standard military issue gear. He had wanted his old stuff back - he knew it better - but Erwin had refused, insisting that everyone would use new, up to date gear._

_Levi had only used it twice in practice before he took off through the trees. And while he had been close to where the titans were coming from, he got cocky and careless and missed his target, causing him to plummet to the earth, smashing his head on a couple of tree branches on his way down._

_When he came to, he was lying on the forest floor, head bleeding, and a titan was heading his way. He managed to gather himself enough to stand up, preparing to take off or fight, but his gear malfunctioned. It had been crushed, rendered useless in the fall, and he was standing - small and alone - in the middle of the woods, with a titan barreling toward him._

_And then suddenly, he wasn't._

_Suddenly, he was in the air, clinging onto Erwin._

_"I-" He started, but Erwin cut him off._

_"There's five. We're not going to be able to outrun them," He says, tone hard, "And there's no way we can fight them. Not with you in this condition."_

_"So what?" Levi bit back, attempting to fight against the pounding in his head, "We die?"_

_Erwin had laughed before muttering, "Hold your breath," and then without warning, they were plunging under water. Throughout all of the commotion, Levi hadn't cared to notice how close he was to the river. Hadn't noticed the roaring of it in his ears after the fall. Erwin had, though, and apparently that was his plan. Wait out the titans in the river._

_It was ice cold, and the current was strong, but Erwin kept them firmly in place, just under the water, one arm firm around his waist._

_Thankfully, the titans were stupid, and continued on without even noticing where they had gone. And after what seemed like a lifetime, they emerged from the ice cold water, Erwin swimming them to shore._

_"Why-" Levi gasped, attempting to catch his breath once they were on shore, "Why did you do that? Risk yourself for me?"_

_Erwin had just simply shrugged, "You're most useful to me alive than dead."_

Levi shakes the memory from his head with a start. Suddenly, he's not back by the walls anymore. No, instead, he's standing, waist deep in a river far, far away. And he's alone.

He decides to make his way back to shore at that, only stopping to fill up his canteen.

He hasn't thought about Erwin - not much anyway - since he left. Hasn't thought about _anyone_ from the Survey Corps. And now that he has, he can't help the small ache of loneliness in his chest when he glances down at the river from where he sits, back on his horse, ready to leave again.

Levi shakes that thought from his head as well.

He's not lonely. He's never been _lonely_. Even when he was living under the capital in the sewers, with no friends and no family, he hadn't been lonely. So why would he be now?

Part of him distantly answers the silent rhetorical question - _it's because you want someone to share this with_ \- but he ignores it. He can't honestly be that sentimental, right?

Levi shakes the thought from his head, turning Elsa and riding away from the river and the memory that it holds.

* * *

 

Right before Levi’s two week mark of leaving the walls, he spies the silhouette of something _different_ on the horizon. Something that isn’t yet another group of trees, huddled around a river bank, or rolling hills off in the distance. No, in the late afternoon sun, he can clearly make out something that he’s never seen before, not outside of the walls at least. 

Just as the sun begins to dip beneath the horizon, he can clearly make out the outline of what looks like jagged peaks and smooth foothills lining the sunset before him. And he can’t help the childish glee that fills his chest when he realizes that he’s looking at the small - but definitely there - silhouette of mountains in the distance. Even from far away, Levi can tell that they look bigger than any mountains he’s seen inside - or outside - the walls. Instead of the usual soft, rolling green foothills of the mountains that he’s used to, he can clearly spy tall, sharp peaks jutting up toward the sky, and he can’t help the excitement that fills his chest at that.

He kicks Elsa onward, continuing West in hopes of finding somewhere to sleep before the sun sinks too far below the horizon. And as he rides, he keeps his eyes fixed on the mountains.

Thankfully, when they come over a hill, Levi spies another small, abandoned village - similar to the first one he had come across - and breathes a sigh of relief. By the time he reaches the village, the sun is just setting, casting a reddish-orange hue over the hills, and Levi knows that he only has a limited time to get settled.

He ties Elsa up outside of the first, least broken down house he sees, and enters, silently thankful for the amount of windows that the building has, despite their lack of glass.

When he walks into the main room, he understands why, too. On the west wall, overlooking the sunset is a large, open window, giving him the perfect view of the setting sun and mountains. For a split second, Levi finds himself wondering what kind of people lived there before the titans. He wonders if this is where a family ate, huddled around a small dinner table, watching the sun dip behind the mountains through the large window.

He almost gets distracted by the sight again, just the sheer beauty of the view pulling a small gasp from his lungs, but he doesn’t allow himself to linger for long. And he doesn’t allow himself to dwell on the fact that he _hasn’t_ let himself linger at all since he left the walls, treating his freedom as just another mission, anxious to map out as many places as possible as fast as possible.

Instead, he finds himself disappearing into another room, searching for anything he can scavenge out of the house. The first room he looks through is mostly empty, everything taken when the people who used to live in the house more than likely fled. The second room, however, still houses a small dresser and a bed, complete with a decent looking mattress. And then something hits Levi.

He hasn’t slept on an actual bed - or even an actual mattress - in almost two weeks, and he doesn’t realize how much he’s missed it until he sees the small twin bed, situated in the far corner of the room.

Tucking his nose and mouth into his shirt and taking a deep breath - before he can properly think about what he’s doing - Levi steps into the bedroom, reaching out to pull the mattress off of the frame. Little particles of dust fly up into the air as he grabs it, but he ignores it. Instead, he pulls, dragging the small mattress throughout the house until he reaches the front door, and tosses it outside, watching dust rise up into the air as it hits the ground.

Thankfully, due to the open windows, there’s not too much dust caking the small mattress, and it only takes Levi a few minutes to kick and shake the remaining dirt off of it. And while it’s not all that sanitary - the mattress has been there for god knows how long - he finds that suddenly, he can’t bring himself to care. He can’t bring himself to be a neat freak about it, because for the first time in almost two weeks, he gets to sleep on something other than a thin, uncomfortable cot again.

And for the first time in his life, he gets a room with a view.

When Levi lies down that night, he finally allows himself to take another breath. Finally allows himself to relax, even if it’s just for a few moments before he falls asleep. When he closes his eyes that night, cool summer air blowing in through the open windows, he lets his mind drift to old memories. Ones he hasn’t thought of in a while. And whether it’s because he’s lonely or it’s just the mattress or relaxing, he’s unsure.

* * *

 

_"I’m fine," Levi had grumbled, even as Erwin walked him down the hallway, toward his bedroom. It had been a long day out on a mission, and while they hadn’t lost any soldiers, people had come back injured, and that included Levi. He had been thrown off of his horse and twisted his leg early on in the mission, rendering him almost useless the rest of the day._

_"No you’re not," Erwin argued. He had been right, even if Levi hadn’t cared to admit it. Erwin was carrying most of the other man’s weight as he hobbled on one foot, barely putting any pressure on his left one._

_"It’s just sprained," Levi insisted. Though he didn’t stop Erwin from opening his bedroom door, pulling them both inside. "And I’m just tired."_

_"Well at least let me take a look at it," Erwin shot back, and at that, Levi had sighed in defeat._

_"Fine."_

_He took a seat on Erwin’s bed, waiting patiently as his Commander rummaged through a drawer in his desk before pulling out some bandages and a splint._

_Levi sighed, “Erwin, I’m serious, I don’t-“_

_And at that, Erwin cut him off. “Humor me.”_

_So he did. He allowed Erwin to help him out of his gear and pull his pants down, leaving himself in his underwear, sitting in his Commander’s bed. Months ago, he wouldn’t have trusted anyone to see him like that, but Erwin was different. Despite his best efforts, Erwin had gained his trust rather quickly._

_Levi couldn’t help but chuckle when Erwin took his place on his knees, between his legs. “What would someone think if they walked in and saw you in such a compromising position?” He teased, lifting his foot for Erwin to examine._

_And while Erwin hadn’t said anything in response, Levi didn’t miss the small smile that graced his lips at his remark. He squeezed at his ankle at that, though, cutting any of Levi’s other witty remarks short. Levi hissed through his teeth, attempting to pull away, “Hey-“_

_"It’s swollen," Erwin had commented, keeping his grip on Levi’s leg. "I’m going to wrap it, okay? Then I can help you back to your room." He had glanced up at Levi at that, blue eyes staring through thick lashes, and Levi had swallowed hard._

_"Yeah, okay," He breathed out, laying back on Erwin’s bed, "Wake me when you’re done."_

_Erwin hadn’t woken him, however, because the next time Levi woke up, he was still lying in his Commander’s bed, light trickling in through the window. And when he turned, he quickly realized that Erwin’s body was next to his, sound asleep._

* * *

 

When Levi wakes the next morning, it’s with a sharp gasp - sitting straight up - and an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach, as if he’s forgotten something. He hasn’t of course, but even after he double checks everything in his bags, the uneasiness doesn’t go away. It’s like a bad taste in his mouth, and suddenly, despite the good night’s rest he got and the beautiful view outside the late window of the house, he wants nothing more than to escape. He wants nothing more and to be as far away from the small house and the big window and the memories that it brings as soon as possible.

So, with one small glance back at the little room - one parting look at the window - he’s gathering his things and riding off west, toward the mountains.

The thing about traveling alone, though - he learns - is the silence. It allows you to think. To clear your head. And while sometimes that can be a good thing, for Levi, he’s not certain that it is.

As he rides west, the mountains slowly becoming bigger and closer in the horizon, his mind is swarming, his thoughts the loudest they’ve been since he left the walls. He’d say _since he left home_ , but that place was never really home to him. He hasn’t found his home yet, he decides.

But still, as he rides toward something new, something unknown, he can’t help the aching feeling in his chest. He can’t help but wish that he had someone to share it with. Someone to turn to him and excitedly exclaim -

_"The mountains! We’ll be the first to see them, you know,”_

\- because of course it wouldn’t be Levi voicing his excitement. It would be someone like Hanji or Armin or even Erwin.

_Erwin._

Levi closes his eyes, mentally groaning.

Erwin. Of course, Erwin. His thoughts keep drifting back to Erwin. But why? Erwin wasn’t any different than any members of the Survey Corps. He wasn’t any more special, didn’t mean anything more to Levi-

Okay, that’s a lie.

He _was_ different. He’d _always_ been different from the get go. He’d given Levi a chance when nobody else had. He’d saved his life when nobody else would have. Befriended him when nobody else wanted to.

But why’s he thinking about this now? Why now, when so much has changed?

It’s not that Levi hadn’t been independent with Erwin his life. He’d gone on plenty of missions - completed plenty of tasks - without Erwin by his side. Or without being by Erwin’s side, so to speak. But he had been someone to talk to. To bounce ideas off of. To fill the silence.

Levi decides that must be it, as he rides toward the mountains, the only sound in his ears hoof beats. He doesn’t have someone to fill the silence. Of course he’d think of Erwin.

(Of course he’d miss Erwin.)

He decides not to think about the fact that it might also be because he feels guilty for leaving so suddenly, for not saying goodbye. Instead, he shakes the thoughts out of his head again, in favor of fixing his eyes on the horizon. 


	3. Building Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Could you sew me a flag to remind me of where I stand_  
>  _Without you it’s easy to forget_  
>  \- [Driving North](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrgAjIQXU58) \- Chris Pureka
> 
> **A/N:**  
> [This](http://www.mikechow.com/Nature-and-Stuff/Wedding-Week-August-19-25-2010/i-XZH2rKF/0/L/Lookout_Whistler_MC_08242010_015-L.jpg) and [this](http://www.mikechow.com/Nature-and-Stuff/Wedding-Week-August-19-25-2010/i-g3dVx4n/0/L/Lookout_Whistler_MC_08242010_014-L.jpg) is sort of how I imagined the view at the end of the chapter to look like while writing it.

The mountains are even more remarkable up close.

It takes a few long days to actually reach them, because while they look big on the horizon, it doesn't change the fact that they're still relatively far away, and Levi can only travel so far by horseback every day. But, they make it eventually, and when they do, he’s left breathless.

He pulls Elsa to a stop on the crest of a hill once they're close enough, and just _stares_ , taking it all in. And while they've still got a little ways to go before they're actually _in_ the mountains, from where he sits on top of the hill, Levi can clearly make out the tops of pine trees, lining the foothills in front of him. When the wind blows, he can smell the thick, green grass and the pine needles in the air. And while it's still summer, Levi can still feel the cool air, blowing his direction from the mountains.

He makes it there by mid day, so he takes a moment, on top of the hill, to dismount, allowing his horse to graze while he pulls his notebook out of a saddle bag and takes a seat next to her. It's a perfect day - just on the edge of summer, not to hot and not too cold - and he could sit on top of the hill all day, if he wanted to.

In fact, that's what he ends up doing, without even realizing it.

Levi spends the majority of the day updating his map, journaling his past few days' travel, and sketching out the foothills and peaks in front of him to the best of his ability, as far as his eyes can see. And as he draws, Levi wonders just how far the mountain range goes. He finds himself wondering how long it would take him to ride through them - if he'd even be able to - and he finds himself wondering what could be on the other side of them, if he ever made if there.

He sits on top of the hill until the sun starts to dip behind the impossibly huge mountains in front of him, and then he sits there some more. He sits until the pink and red hues of the sunset blanket the hills behind him and the mountains before him, and he sits until the pinks and reds begin to fade into purple and blue.

Once the sun finally sets, Levi finds a place to set up camp - a little area under some trees, not too far away - and for once, he doesn't mind lying out under the stars when he goes to sleep. They look closer, brighter, from where he lies near the mountains, and he finds himself wondering if they are.

He finds himself wondering if they're just as bright back at the walls, or wherever Erwin and his crew are probably beginning to map out the world outside of them now. And he finds himself wondering if any of them are looking up at the same stars.

The next morning, Levi wakes at dawn, the sunlight and faint chirping of birds causing him to blink his eyes open from where he lies underneath the shade of trees. He gathers his things rather quickly once he's up, anxious to start making his way into the mountains, and by the time the sun starts to get warm in the sky, he's already riding west, the summer sun hot on his back.

Levi takes it slow, finding the easiest path through the trees and up the steep land, making sure to mark on his map where they start to make their way into the trees - into the mountains - just in case he turns back. He spies a couple of small wooden houses on his ascent, but doesn't stop. He notes where they are, of course, but is too excited to waste any time investigating them.

At about mid day, the path that Levi takes up and through the foothills leads him to a wide, open valley. And just like the day before, he dismounts at the mouth of the valley, thankful for his view on the top of a hill, and pulls his notebook out of his bag to make a few quick sketches.   
  
A river runs through the middle of the valley, and Levi notes - as he draws it on his map - that it's smaller than the one he encountered on his first week outside of the walls. It's not surrounded by tall, towering trees, and instead bushes, weeds and tall green grass grows at its side. It flows away from where Levi sits, and runs out the other mouth of the valley heading east, and Levi determines that it must turn south, rather than north like the larger river. He makes note of that, too, just in case.

The valley, Levi learns, as he makes his way down the hill and into it later, is dotted with colorful wildflowers, some yellow and red, most of them purple, and he finds himself wondering what they are. He knows, just by looking at them, that they're not anything like any of the flowers that grow near the wall.

"They're pretty, though, aren't-" He starts to say, but cuts himself short, even pulling Elsa to a stop at the sudden sound of his voice in his ears. Even her ears turn back, as if waiting for a command, but Levi doesn't give one, frozen on the spot.

He doesn't even remember the last time he's said anything out loud, which is a shock, but even more, he's uncertain as to _who_ he thought he was talking to. And - not for the first time since he left the walls - Levi finds himself wondering if it's because he's so used to having someone at his side. Someone to make little remarks to, when something pops into his head. Someone to bounce ideas off of.

And for the _first_ time since leaving the walls, Levi allows himself to wonder if it's because he _is_ lonely.

He's never really been one to need or crave human interaction or companionship, but he'd be lying if he said that it was the first time that he's wished that he had someone there to share all of his new experiences with him. He'd be lying if he said that, when he crested that hill the morning before - or even the one now, in the valley - he didn't want someone there with him.

He's never really _felt_ loneliness before - either because he's always had unwanted company, or because he'd been completely fine alone - but if he had to guess, talking to himself about how _pretty_ the wildflowers are, and the feeling that follows, probably comes pretty close to it.

Still, he presses onward.

Still, he doesn't allow himself to dwell on that loneliness. Doesn't allow himself to stop - to take a breath.

Though he suddenly feels a dull ache - maybe even an emptiness - in the pit of his chest, he keeps moving. He doesn't allow himself to wonder what the wildflowers are, deciding that if Erwin or any other members of the Survey Corps make it this far, they can figure it out for themselves.

* * *

 

Levi doesn't stay in one place for too long. 

His first two days in the mountains, he focuses on making it as far west as he can. Because of the rough terrain and the new surroundings, though, he doesn't make it too far. At least, not as far as he'd like. Each day, he gazes up at the taller, snow capped peaks off in the distance, wondering how long it would take to get to them, but still finds himself riding through the smaller, easier foothills.

He's definitely not complaining, though. The scenery is gorgeous - the thick woods of pine trees are breath taking - and the air feels fresh and crisp, compared to the thick air inside of the walls. Even if he only made it this far, he'd be happy.

At the end of his third day in the mountains, Levi comes across a small town as he rides through the mouth of another small valley. The village is slightly larger than the first two he'd found and it's close to what he assumes is the same small river he had spied on his first day in the mountains, so he makes a note of it on his map before making his way through it, searching out a good place to make camp for the night. He has the remainder of the day, too - at least a couple of hours - so Levi takes his time, searching out the perfect house to stay in. 

Most are them are small, tiny little cabins consisting of just two or three rooms, but they're sturdy, many of them still standing tall after so many years, and the one he chooses isn't really anything special. It's actually one of the smaller houses - it's made up of a kitchen, a small den, and a bedroom - but it's situated up against a hill and has a decent view of the valley below.

Levi decides, as he cleans it of most of the dust and debris late that afternoon, that it could make a good base camp, while he explores areas nearby. The house has a decent sized corral off to the side, with an area inside of it shaded by trees, and after Levi walks the fence line, making sure there aren't any breaks in it, he decides it could make a decent place for Elsa if he decides to hike off on his own at all, or use his maneuver gear to swing quickly through the trees and steep hills that she wouldn't be able to make it through.

The small house that Levi chooses doesn't have a bed or a mattress inside of it, so - because he's been spoiled, he decides - he finds a house that does, and drags the mattress over, cleaning it of as much dust as possible before setting it up in the small den. There's a little window, too, positioned just right so he can see the meadow below from the room.

It's actually kind of beautiful, Levi decides, as he eats that evening, watching the sunset from just outside the small house, and if he were one for settling down, this is probably where he'd do it. The big open sky, wide valley, and massive peaks are a stark contrast to life behind the walls, and Levi knows, as he sits, enjoying the view, that _this_ is the freedom he'd been looking for all of those years ago. This was what he'd fought so hard for.

He's not one to stay in one place, though. He's not the kind of person that would settle down in the small house with a companion.

No, when he closes his eyes, he doesn't see himself staying there, as beautiful as it is.

Regardless, Levi does find himself staying in the little house, situated in the mountainside, for over a month.

The first few days, he ventures out on his own, allowing his horse some time to rest, after traveling so far. Instead of pushing her any further, Levi finds himself strapping on his maneuver gear and throwing his jacket on the morning of his first day in the valley, and for a moment, it feels odd, out of place. It's been weeks since he really wore his gear last - even longer since he wore his jacket - and even then he only used it for a few minutes at a time.

When he closes his eyes though - just as he finishes adjusting the strap across his chest - Levi can clearly remember one of the last times he used his gear in battle. They had known that they were getting close, just on the edge of victory, and Levi remembers the way his heart had pounded in his chest that day. He remembers the way Erwin's voice - his commands - sounded in his ear, as he soared through the air.

He remembers the smile on Erwin's face, when they had returned home that night. Remembers his hand on his shoulder.

_"Thank you, Levi," He had said, as Levi sat on the couch in his office that evening._

_"For what?" He had muttered in return, "We haven't won yet."_

_"But we will," Erwin had countered, crossing the room to take a seat next to him. It felt comfortable. Familiar. Levi noted how far they'd come in the years that they've known one another. It was a large contrast to the beginning of their relationship, when Levi had sworn to kill the other man. Now, he’s probably one of the few people that he trusts fully._

_"We couldn't have done it without you," Erwin had added._

_Levi couldn't swallow the lump in his throat to tell him that he was wrong. That he would have been fine without him - that humanity would have never won without Erwin Smith._

_He had stayed the night in Erwin’s room that night, and not for the first time. And he had woken up with his Commander’s arm draped around his waist the next morning. Not for the first time._

Levi shakes the memory from his head, double-checking his straps again before making his way out of the small house and toward the trees.

"I'll be back," He finds himself calling over his shoulder to Elsa, and he decides to let his words settle.

The air does feel familiar, whipping through his hair, once he begins building momentum through the trees. They're nowhere near as tall as the trees in the forests near the walls, but they're big enough to swing through with ease, using his maneuver gear, and Levi finds himself a few meters up in the air when he comes to land on one particularly tall tree, surveying his surroundings after a good fifteen minutes of traveling.

It's hard to see much through the thick canopy of trees, but a little ways in the distance, Levi can make out a small gap - a clearing in the trees - and decides that it'll be his best bet. So, with a quick note on a piece of paper folded up in his jacket pocket, Levi takes off, heading for the opening in the trees.

He's not certain what he expected to find in the clearing, but whatever it was doesn't even come close to the real thing, once he reaches it five minutes later.

No, nothing could prepare him for the sight, when he comes to land on his feet on a large outcropping of rock - a cliff - overlooking a vast expanse of trees and a big, green valley, off in the distance. The rock that he stands on juts out over more tall pine trees, and Levi finds himself wondering - even as he steps out onto it - how it manages to hang there, a cliff overlooking the remarkable sight before him.

The valley is far, quite a few kilometers away, but even from where he stands he can make out the bright green grass and the small lake in the center of it, surrounded not only by pine trees, but plenty of other kinds of trees and vegetation that he doesn't recognize, at least not from where he stands.

And the backdrop of the valley...

Overlooking the valley is a huge, snow capped peak, unlike anything Levi has ever seen before. He feels his jaw drop as he takes in the sight, and he doesn't even dare try to determine how big it is. But it's huge, taller than the walls, taller than any mountain he’s ever seen. Taller than anything he's ever seen in his entire life. And it's beautiful, the trees covering it almost blue in the distance, until they taper out into the snow and rocks that scatter the peak. He can clearly see from where he stands where the snow melts, trickling down the mountainside, feeding into the lake in the center of the valley.

As Levi stands, admiring the view, he finds himself wondering how long it's been since human eyes have seen such a sight. He wonders if the people who lived in the valley behind him - the one that his horse waits patiently for him at - knew that they were living so close to such a remarkable sight. He wonders if they'd ever seen it. If they ever dared to adventure there.

And he knows, standing on top of the cliff, overlooking the valley and the lake and the mountains, that he plans on it. Maybe not now, but someday.

And not for the first time, he wishes someone was there to marvel in the beauty with him.

For the first time, he wishes - loud and clear - that it was Erwin.


	4. Journey To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I've never reached an answer, I'm only given clues_   
> _nothing better than a journey to you_
> 
> _I ain't got a whole lot of things on my list_  
>  _just the freedom and the will to choose_  
>  _I've got you on my mind and nothing to lose_  
>  _nothing better than a journey to you_  
> [Nothing Better Than A Journey To You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nidyTUKjnrI) \- Justin Vernon

Levi doesn't make it to the valley or the lake or the tall, towering mountain overlooking it. 

He decides to save that adventure for something special. Not only that, but judging by the distance and the apparent lack of a visible trail, Levi would either need more gas for his maneuver gear, or he’d need more time to scout out a different way to get there. So instead, he heads home that later that day, just shortly after the sun starts setting - as beautiful as the sight is - in time to make it back to the small village before nightfall.

Instead of making the trek to the valley and the lake and the tall peak, Levi decides to take the time to map out the other areas surrounding the small village that he stays in.

He quickly learns that to the north of the village is a small lake in a little clearing, and that hunting is easy there and the ground seems pretty fertile for crops, if anyone else were to expand this far. He also learns that there's a few more smaller villages nearby, not as big or as sturdy as the one that he stays in - most of them have been completely demolished by titans - but he makes notes of them, nonetheless.

On his second week in the valley, Levi takes Elsa and heads northwest, and comes across a canyon. He rides through it for a while, alongside a large, wide river until it starts getting late and heads back to his base camp. He makes notes of everything new he comes across in his notebook, though, mapping them out to the best of his ability.

And with each day that passes, Levi grows to like the area even more. He likes the small valley and the little river that runs through it, and he likes the canyon and the cliffs and the wide, open meadows that he comes across from time to time.

But with each day that passes, Levi becomes more and more anxious.

While he's certain that if he were any other person, he'd settle down in the small, mountainside house, he, being who he is, can't. He can't relax. Can't take a breath. Some days are better than others, though. Some days, he doesn't leave the valley. Those days, he takes his clothes to the river and does his best to wash them out, or even leads Elsa down there to give her a bath. Those days, he'll sit under the shade of a tall tree and sketch out the places that he's been - the beautiful sights that he's seen.

But after almost two months of staying in the small mountain house - only venturing out for a few days at a time at the longest - Levi decides that it's time to leave. That, and with each passing day, he can feel the air getting cooler. Each night is colder and colder, and each night, he finds it harder to get a good night's rest, even with a thick blanket to keep him warm.

While winter behind the walls came later in the year - and wasn't too harsh - Levi quickly realizes that winter in _these_ mountains is more than likely a different story, and he doesn’t have the gear or the supplies to survive it on his own. Not now.

So - as much as it pains him to leave without having made it through them, as he had intended - Levi finds himself leaving, almost two months into his stay in the mountains.

He finds, as he backtracks out of the valley on the day that he leaves - heading east again - that many of the trees have just barely started to change color, greens in the leaves fading out into soft yellows. He makes a note of it in his notebook and moves on, deciding to head back east.

And, though he doesn't want to leave the mountains behind so soon, Levi can't help the excitement in his chest at the possibility of finding something new. Something else that nobody has seen.

Hell, maybe he'll even see the ocean.

* * *

 

It takes two weeks before the small speck of the walls appears in the horizon again. Levi spies it one morning as he starts riding east into the sunrise, and he pauses for a moment, staring at them. 

He could stop, just for a moment. He could go back for a day or so and gather some more supplies before heading out east. Maybe get more gas for his maneuver gear because he's running low on it...

But he decides against it. Even while he wonders if his squad is still there - while he wonders if they've left yet or if they're still preparing for it - he doesn't stop. Even though he can't deny that he misses them - even if it's just a little - he keeps moving. He keeps heading east, deciding that if he needs any supplies, he can always backtrack.

He's uncertain if it's because he genuinely hates the walls as much as he claims he does or if it's because he's scared of what he'll find when he gets there.

* * *

 

For the remainder of the month, Levi continues east. And while every day is full of something new - something different - he misses the mountains. If he's being honest, even the towering trees and rolling hills and golden flatlands are boring compared to the massive peaks and thick forests of the mountains. But, he reminds himself, almost a month after he turns east, that he set out from the walls to explore. To see new things. Not to settle down and stay in one place again. 

Levi finds himself kicking Elsa into a full gallop at that thought, suddenly anxious to get as far away from that small little mountain town as possible, almost ashamed in himself for staying there for so long.

And then he's pulling her to a screeching halt.

He hadn't even realized it - so caught up in his thoughts - but in front of them, just over the hill that they crest, galloping through the tall grass, is a large, open expanse of blue, as far as the eye can see. It’s a little ways in the distance, but it’s definitely there. He’s not seeing things, even if he blinks his eyes just to be sure.

And Levi can't help gasp that rips from his lungs at the sight as he kicks Elsa back into a walk, watching - as they finish cresting the hill - as the blue becomes closer. It's quiet around him, and he can hear the sound of water, of small, lazy waves, rolling up onto the shore. He can smell the freshness of it, can feel the cool, moist breeze in his hair.

By the time they reach the top of a second hill, Levi can see the beach below them. It's not white sand, as Armin's books had said, but it's sand. It's _something_.

He stops Elsa at the top of the hill just to _look_ at it, and in that moment, her ears perk up and she glances to her right, suddenly interested in something. And while Levi doesn't want to tear his eyes away from the breathtaking sight, he follows her gaze until he spies what she sees.

Off in the distance - not too far, but far enough that Levi hadn't realized it at first glance - is a cluster of buildings, just like the towns he'd encountered on his way to the mountains, only larger. And unlike the towns he'd encountered before, it seems to be inhabited. Smoke rises up from one of the buildings, and while it's a ways away, he can make out the shape of someone on horseback moving around in front of the town, down by the beach.

And suddenly, Levi feels anxious again.

He finds himself wondering, as he sits there, staring at the small town, if people from the walls have already started to move out - to start making homes for themselves _outside_. Many of them had seemed hesitant at first, even before he left, but that was months ago. Things could have changed...

Still, another part of him wonders if anyone he knows is there. If any of the people residing in the small town were once part of the Survey Corps.

And while the thought of it makes Levi slightly nervous, he turns Elsa to the right and starts heading toward the small town.

Because hell, maybe he _is_ a little lonely.

The town is big, Levi learns as he approaches it. Bigger than any of the villages he encountered in his first couple of weeks outside of the walls and bigger than the one he stayed in while in the mountains. The houses are slightly larger, as well, and as he gets closer, Levi notices that they're more open, with big windows similar to the second one he camped out in. There's even a small church or temple situated in what looks like the center of the town - still standing strong despite years of erosion and titans - and Levi decides to head in that direction first.

He doesn't recognize the first person that he encounters upon reaching the town, and when they don't even say anything to him, Levi finds himself wondering if it's because he's still wearing his jacket. Suddenly, it feels heavy on him. Suddenly, he feels very, very out of place.

And Levi realizes, as he rides through the town, searching for a familiar face in the small number of people that he encounters, that he has no idea why he decided to approach the town in the first place. He doesn't know what he thought he would find. Of course civilians would have moved outside of the walls by now, it's been months. And he realizes, as he nears the center of the town, almost to the church, that he had approached it in hopes of finding someone he knew. In hopes of seeing a familiar face.

And just as Levi contemplates turning around and leaving the town, he spies her.

Even with her back turned, Hanji is almost too easy to spot, the wings on her jacket and the way she waves her hands excitedly while she speaks to the person next to her a dead giveaway. Levi dismounts at that, gathering Elsa's reins nervously in his hand before calling out -

" _Hanji."_

She stops speaking at the sound of his voice, hands in the air, and freezes for a moment before turning on her heel, all wide smile and excited eyes. And then she's moving with long strides, closing the gap between them. Before Levi realizes what's happening or has a chance to brace himself, Hanji is enveloping him in a quick, tight hug.

" _Where_ have you been?" She asks when she pulls away, holding him at arm’s length. Levi attempts to pull away from the contact, but she holds him tight.

He manages a shrug, despite the bit of excitement that it gives him to see a familiar face, "Around."

And at that, Hanji is rolling her eyes and patting him on the shoulder. She turns and begins walking back where she came, motioning over her shoulder for him to follow her.

"Why are _you_ here?" Levi asks after he jogs a couple of steps to catch up with her, Elsa trailing behind, "Are you living here or-"

"Scouting," Hanji answers, turning to smile toward him, "You skipped out on us before we could put you to work again."

And just like that, Levi falls into a normal conversation with Hanji, as if it hasn't been months since he's spoken to another human. He scoffs, "My work was done."

"Well _ours_ wasn't," Hanji returns. They round the corner of the church, and just as Levi opens his mouth to speak -

_"Who's we?"_

\- Hanji is cutting him off before he even says anything by throwing the big, thick doors of the church open with a loud _bang_.

" _Commander_!" She calls, "Somebody is here to see you."

And the smile that graces Erwin's lips when he turns around is something that will take Levi lifetimes to get used to. He still looks the same - same tall, professional stance, despite the loss of his arm, same uniform, same perfectly parted and combed hair - but _different_ at the same time. Levi thinks, as he watches Erwin approach him, that he might even look _younger_ , at ease outside of the walls. Though he still wears his uniform, he doesn't look like the tough, battle worn Commander that he looked like, leading them out to battle. He's still very much _Erwin_ , but also not. He looks _human_.

Levi clears his throat when the silence becomes deafening, and at that, Erwin reaches out, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

"It's good to see you, Levi," He says, sparing him another smile.

When Levi speaks, he actually has to clear the lump from his throat. He's uncertain if it's because he's so taken aback by Erwin's demeanor or if it's because he quickly realizes that the last time he saw him was in the walls, the night before he left. That the last time he saw him, he told him he'd say goodbye before leaving, and then didn’t.

He clears his throat again before muttering, "Yeah. You too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter, but I'm evil and had to leave it hanging like this before Levi and Erwin actually get the chance to talk to one another. But I promise, the next chapter will be up soon, and it'll make up for this one! :]


	5. Retrace My Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I've got to find my way back_  
>  _Retrace my steps_  
>  _So I can prove to you that I'm alive_  
>  _Crawling my way back to the place_  
>  _I know that's meant for me to find my way back_  
>  _To find my way back home_  
> [Find My Way Back (acoustic)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyctNauZsi0) \- Four Year Strong

Erwin has a cot and a base camp set up inside the small church, and while it's unorthodox, it's organized and well put together. Levi finds himself sitting in one of the pews late that first afternoon into that evening as Erwin explains what they've been doing and how much land they've managed to map out. And of course, the maps - done by Armin - are wonderfully put together, making Levi's sketches in his notebook look armature.

"So is this..." Levi starts at one point, glancing out one of the windows at the beach, and Erwin seems to catch his train of thought.

"The ocean?" He asks, and when Levi nods, he shakes his head, "No. From what the maps from the Capital said, it'll be further east. This is just-"

"A really big lake," Levi mutters out, finishing his thought. Of course. He wouldn't be so lucky as to find the ocean on his first try. He feels naïve for even entertaining the thought.

"Precisely," Erwin mutters, sounding slightly disappointed as he crosses the room to take a seat next to Levi in the pew. It's quiet between the two of them for a few long moments and Erwin lets out a deep breath, leaning back against his seat to look up at the ceiling.

Without even thinking about it, Levi follows his gaze, surprised to find that the ceiling is painted, rather intricately, too. Even though some of the paint has chipped and faded, it still looks beautiful. He almost makes a remark about it to Erwin - even opening his mouth - but doesn't say anything. He keeps the silence.

He keeps it until Erwin breaks it.

"Where have you been?" He asks in a soft voice, and if Levi didn't know any better, he'd almost say that he sounds disappointed. Upset, maybe even hurt. They haven’t discussed _things_ , specifically Levi leaving without a single word, and Levi can’t help the guilt that settles in his stomach at Erwin’s soft question. He finds himself wondering if Erwin had actually been worried about him. When he glances over at Erwin again, though, his face doesn't show any emotion. He seems to feel Levi's eyes on him, though, and turns to glance at him as well.

Levi clears his throat. He doesn't mention the last time they saw one another, and he certainly doesn't mention the fact that it’s all he’s been able to think about lately. "I uh... I made it to the mountains."

Erwin's eyes widen at that, and he sits up. Levi follows suit. Old habits die hard.

"How far?" Erwin asks, and the way his voice sounds almost reminds him of Hanji. Excited. Any disappointment or concern that had been in his voice dissipates and it helps Levi feel a little bit better.

"From here, about a month's ride," Levi answers, "Give or take a few days."

Erwin hums, nodding, and at that, Levi reaches down to the bag at his feet, fishing out his notebook. "I sketched out a few maps, just in case," He says, handing it over to Erwin.

He doesn't mention that it was just in case he ran into him.

Something lights up in Erwin's eyes when he flips through the notebook, though, and Levi can't help but feel a little excited at that because _finally_ , he has someone to share his journey with. Finally, he can show Erwin.

"There's a path _there_ ," Levi says, leaning over to point out the spot on his map where he entered the mountains, "The first couple of days of riding are easy, but they get a little steeper the further you get. They’re much taller than any other mountains _I’ve_ seen, though."

Erwin nods in agreement, as if he’s seen them as well. “They weren’t on the maps,” He explains, “But from everything I’ve read, this mountain range is supposed to be larger and taller than anything we’ve ever seen.”

And though Levi feels a little bit of pride bubble up in his chest – because _he_ found them, him and nobody else – he pushes it down, flipping to another page in his notebook, pointing something else out to Erwin.

And that's how Levi finds himself pointing out spots on the map to an interested Erwin well into the night. Until some of the candles keeping light in the church burn out and until most of Erwin's men retire to their temporary beds in the abandoned houses. He points out where he found the first and second villages that he stayed in, as well as the point where the mountains first came into view, saving the best for last. It's well past midnight by the time Levi finishes explaining the meadow and the village in the mountains to Erwin, showing him sketches of wildflowers and the neighboring peaks and canyons.

"We've never seen anything like this," Erwin says, running a finger over one of Levi's sketches, "There isn't much about the mountains in the books that we _do_ have. This is very useful, Levi."

"But you're heading east, aren't you?" Levi asks, glancing up at Erwin. They're about two weeks east of the walls, a month east of the mountains. There's no way they'd want to turn around after coming so far.

But to Levi's surprise, Erwin just shrugs, "That can change."

And without any further explanation, he's standing, handing Levi's notebook back to him, and stretching. "Do you have a place to stay for the night?" He asks, turning to glance at Levi.

He shrugs, "Hanji took me here first."

And at that, Erwin just smiles a small, tired smile. "There's room here, if you'd like."

Levi accepts, though he doesn't admit out loud that he'd prefer the company.

* * *

 

Levi sleeps in the next morning, and he realizes that it's the first time he's done so in months. When he awakes, it's with slow blinking eyes, gazing through the faded stained glass windows of the church and a long stretch. 

"There's coffee, if you want some," Erwin's voice floats through the open air of the building, and Levi turns in his cot, blinking his eyes a couple of times until they focus on where Erwin sits at a makeshift desk, writing something up.

Levi stands after a few minutes, crossing the room to grab the cup that Erwin left for him before glancing over his shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"Writing out a request for more men to scout out east so we can head west," Erwin answers easily. And Levi freezes, cup halfway to his lips.

" _We?_ "

Erwin glances up at that, eyes scanning over Levi’s face. His tone is careful when he replies, "It's optional, for you."

"But..." Levi presses, sensing that Erwin has something more to say. Something tells him that he’s already been up for hours, planning things.

" _But_ ," Erwin echoes, because there's obviously a catch, "If you'd like to join us heading west, your information could prove to be useful."

Levi scoffs. He's still half awake, and his people skills may be rusty, but he hasn't completely lost his touch. "You mean _I_ could prove to be useful."

"You always are," Erwin replies simply, and for some reason _that_ hits Levi.

Erwin has always had so much faith in him, even when he shouldn't have. Even now, after Levi left months ago without even saying goodbye, he's obviously very prepared to take him back without a second thought. Without any hesitation. "You give me too much credit," He mutters.

Erwin shrugs, "Maybe, maybe not. It's your call, Levi."

Levi sighs.

While he wanted to head east - the mountains and that little town had left a bad taste in his mouth - he also wouldn't mind some company for a change, even if it's just for a little while. He wouldn't mind having a group of people to help him map out the mountains - to help him make it through them. They’d have more gear and supplies, and it would make it a lot easier to make it through the mountain range, even in the winter.

And while he doesn't mind traveling alone, part of him feels like he owes Erwin. For everything. For taking him in when he shouldn't have, and believing in him when nobody else did, and accepting him back into his life, no questions asked, even after Levi had been gone for months.

So if he can be of any help to Erwin and the people that were willing to give their _lives_ to help them not even a year ago, then so be it.

"Alright," He mutters, nodding, "I'll go with you."

* * *

 

Levi falls back into the swing of things fairly easily, if he's being honest. While he relaxes around the small town for the first few days - allowing Elsa some rest in a nearby stable as well - he finds himself going out on little scouting missions with Hanji here and there while they wait for word back on Erwin's request. While they have nothing to do, she takes him around the lake - which turns out to not be all that big after all. They reach the other side on horseback within a couple of hours, and from the other end - on top of a small outcropping of rock - Levi can still make out the small dot that is the town on the other side.  
  
Thankfully, while they’re out, Hanji doesn’t question his decision to leave the walls without any word to anyone. She doesn’t ask him why he’d been gone for months and why he never said goodbye, and she doesn’t question his decision to return and help them. And while he appreciates it, Levi wonders if Erwin has anything to do with her silence. Hanji usually says pretty much everything that’s on her mind, after all. 

When he's not out with Hanji or anyone else, Levi finds himself falling back into the position of Erwin's right-hand man again without even realizing it. It just comes natural, he supposes - _old habits die hard_ \- but he finds himself hanging around the church with Erwin when he has down time, helping him draw out maps of places that he's been, because though it's been years, Erwin is still lousy as shit at writing - let alone drawing - with his left hand.

"I'm surprised you've even managed to keep your face shaven without me around," Levi remarks, penning out a line on a map for Erwin one evening, over shaky pencil sketches.

"I'm surprised I've survived so long without your attitude around," Erwin shoots back, and Levi can't help the little smile that tugs at his lips at that. He may not want to admit it to himself - mostly because Levi doesn’t want to admit that he needs _anyone’s_ company - but he’s missed having Erwin around. He’s missed Erwin, who takes his opinions seriously, but isn’t afraid to correct him when he’s wrong. Who’s just as quick-witted as he is and isn’t afraid to shoot something sarcastic right back at Levi.

Yeah. If he’s being honest, he missed him. He doesn’t voice that, though.

And once they finally get the go-ahead to head west, leaving Armin and his half of the squad to continue heading east, Levi falls right back into his rightful place at Erwin's side, riding along next to him - Hanji to the left, and some of the newer recruits behind him - with ease. When they finally leave the little lakeside town, squad and supplies in tow, things almost feel just how they did before.

_Almost_ , only without the orders, the commands, and the urgency. Levi feels at ease, riding alongside Erwin. He doesn't grip his horse's reins hard, keeping a watchful eye out for titans. And he doesn't have to stay on his toes, waiting for an order from his Commander. No, instead, he feels relaxed as he follows Erwin west, toward the mountains, instead of into battle.

It feels familiar, but also new. Different. Mostly, it feels good.

Their group isn't big by any means, but still as they head west, they space out to cover more ground, to map more areas out without having to backtrack. Once they pass the walls again - they reach them in less than two weeks, the way that Erwin takes the small group - they split up for the first time. Erwin and Levi take the right, Hanji, Sasha and a couple of new recruits take the center and Jean and Connie take the left, and everything goes smoothly for the majority of the day until Levi spies a red flare, off to his left.

It takes him a second to register what it is - it's been so long since he's seen one - but as soon as he does, he's tensing, immediately regretting not wearing his maneuver gear.

But there's no way - _it couldn't be, could it?_ The titans were all gone, wiped out at the source. They couldn't have seen one, they -

" _Erwin!"_ He shouts over the sound of hoof beats, eyes wide. He pulls his horse to a halt, eyes fixed on the red flare to the left. He doesn't even realize that Erwin has stopped as well - and is trying to speak to him - until he manages to tare his gaze away from the sight.

" _Levi_ ," He hears Erwin say in a far off voice and has to actually shake his head to bring himself back to earth.

"Levi," Erwin repeats, "It's okay, there's nothing wrong."

"But-" Levi starts, pointing to the left. It isn't until then that he realizes that his hands are shaking - trembling, actually - and he can't help but feel like an idiot. A child. He balls his extended hand into a fist and lets it fall back to his side.

"There's no titan," Erwin assures, seemingly reading his thoughts. He's suddenly close - even on horseback, reaching out to grab Levi's shaking hand, steadying it. 

"But the red flare," Levi mutters, even as he tries to calm himself. _There's no titan._ He repeats the words in his head.

"Just signaling that they found a village," Erwin assures, "We had no use for the red flares anymore, so we decided they might as well stand for something."

Levi yanks his hands out of Erwin's grasp at that, as if it's on fire. "And you couldn't _tell me that_?" He exclaims, eyes hard.

"I'm sorry, Levi," Erwin returns, and there's so much sincerity in his voice that suddenly, Levi _does_ feel like a little kid.

He'd been _shaking_ at the mere thought of a titan, when months ago, he was killing them effortlessly, without a second thought. And while Levi stares up at the red smoke, just barely clearing from the sky, he wonders if there's something wrong with him. He hasn't so much as thought about the titans or the Survey Corps or _any_ of that in months, and he wonders if that was the wrong choice.

He wonders if he made the wrong choice, agreeing to join Erwin again, but then he glances at him - just for a second - and he hopes that he hasn't. Because regardless of the fact that Erwin is still very much a Commanding Officer - maybe not _his_ commanding officer - he looks worried, concerned for Levi's well being. He looks as though he's prepared to stop the mission, to dismount and set up camp _right here_ if it would make Levi feel better.

And just the thought of that actually helps a little. Levi wonders if it’s always been that way.

"Are you alright?" Erwin asks, after a few moments of silence, and Levi manages a nod.

"Yeah," He mutters, "Let’s go."

And he tries not to think about the way his chest tightens when Erwin’s gaze lingers on him, making sure that he’s really alright.

* * *

 

They don't always meet up at the end of the day, when the group separates, Levi quickly learns. Some days, if one of the groups comes across a safe place to stay, they'll all meet up and regroup there for a day or two. Some days, one of the groups will find a lake or a river and they'll meet up to get water and wash up before continuing onward. 

But other days, they _don't_ come across any abandoned villages or towns. On those days, Erwin fires off a black flare, signaling for the groups to set up camp wherever they may be. And after a few days of it, Levi is used to seeing the flares that had once meant danger on a regular basis.

One night, nearly three weeks into their journey west, Levi finds himself lying on his cot, out in an open field, staring up at the stars overhead. Erwin lies close to his left, and their horses graze a few meters off, tied to a couple of lone trees. It's the first time since he was alone that Levi finds himself sleeping out in the open, under the stars, and without even thinking about it - maybe it's because he's used to being alone, or maybe it's because he likes having someone to talk to - he voices his thoughts.

"They don't looks as bright here," He says quietly, and once he realizes that he's said it out loud - and that Erwin probably has no idea what he's talking about - Levi adds, "The stars. They looked closer in the mountains."

Erwin hums in response, and when Levi glances in his direction, he's looking up at the sky as well. "They change, you know."

"What?" Levi asks, turning to look back up.

"The stars," Erwin replies, "They're always changing."

"Huh," Levi breaths, "Never noticed."

"You've never taken the time to look," Erwin counters softly, and Levi opens his mouth to say something sarcastic in response, but bites his tongue. Instead, he lets Erwin's words linger. Lets them sink in.

In a way, he's right. Sure, Levi's looked up at the stars. He even took the time to notice that they were brighter when he was in the mountains. But he's never really taken the time to just _look_ at them. To really stop and look. And now, lying on the ground in the middle of nowhere on yet another mission with Erwin Smith, he takes the time to look up at them.

"You know," He murmurs after a few minutes of silence, "In a way, things are just how they used to be. We're out on a mission while everyone else still hides behind the walls."

Once again, Erwin hums in response, quiet for a moment before replying. "Only with less urgency, don't you think?"

Erwin is right, as always. Even though they _are_ on a mission, things feel much easier than they did before, titans or no titans. Even now, away from the little lakeside town, Erwin still has that youthful look about him. That look that contrasts so much from the way Levi remembers him on missions outside the wall before, all hard eyes, body wound tight like a spring. Even lying on the ground, speaking, Erwin _sounds_ different.

"I suppose it does feel different," Levi finally murmurs in return. He's uncertain if _he_ feels different yet – he decides that the change will take more time to affect him, if it does - but everything else sure does. It feels easy to let his guard down, to lie out in the open and speak to Erwin as a _friend_ , not a soldier.

And then something hits Levi, hard and fast. And before he has a chance to think about his words, they're coming out, smooth and easy. Because things are _different_ and he's allowing himself to breathe. To sit back and look up at the stars and open up, even if it's just a little.

"I never really properly thanked you, you know," He says, voice quiet, "For everything."

Levi doesn't take his eyes off of the sky, but he knows that Erwin hears him. Still, it's quiet for a few moments before he gets a response. When he does, though, it's soft, easy.

"You didn't have to."


	6. Long Lost Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Oh I never was a man of many words_   
> _Mostly when they mattered most_   
> _Mostly when you mattered most_
> 
> _So go on, go on_  
>  _Go on_
> 
> _Because lately you've been looking at me like you've seen a ghost_  
>  _And isn't it obvious who's been missing who the most_  
>  _I just wish you had called, cause I would have said it all_  
>  -[Long Lost Friends](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu_lpvuczRQ) \- Transit

They regroup a few days later when Hanji's group comes across a stream, and stay together until the end of the day. Until they crest a hill, and just like the first time, Levi spies the outline of the mountains on the horizon, silhouetted by the sun in vibrant pinks and reds and purples. And though they're not even close to the rolling foothills and jagged peaks yet, Levi can feel the cold air rolling off of the mountains and toward where they stand. Thankfully, their group is prepared with warm clothes and blankets and enough supplies to last them more than a few months in the mountains. They're more prepared than Levi had been the first time he'd ventured into them.

"It'll be a couple of days before we reach them," Levi explains as the group begins to set up camp. And out of the corner of his eye, he spies Erwin, standing atop the hill, his horse's reins in his hand, watching the sunset. He can't help the smile that creases his face at the sight. 

At least he hadn't been the only one overwhelmed by the beauty.

"Remarkable, huh?" Levi asks, joining him on the hill after a few minutes of helping the group set up camp. It feels easy, standing at Erwin's side again, having a conversation with him, as if he hadn't been gone for the past three months on his own. And it's weird to think that he's already been traveling with Erwin and their group again for almost a month now.

Erwin doesn't answer Levi's question, but instead murmurs, "There were times when I thought this would never happen. It seemed like a ridiculous goal."

And Levi knows what he means. Because it's weird to think that not even six months ago, he was soaring through the air, slicing through a titan's flesh, fighting for the good of humanity. It's weird to think that a year ago, this was just a small, distant, almost unreachable goal...

A lot of things have changed in a year. _Levi_ has changed a lot in a year.

"And yet here we are..." He returns, finishing his thoughts out loud and following Erwin's gaze west. The sun is almost gone, the colors in the sky fading out to dull blues and purples and grays. The campfire that Connie sets up burns brighter than anything else, and Levi and Erwin take that as their cue to return to camp.

That night, Levi points out the route on the map that they need to take next. "There's a town not too far from here. We could stay the night there and rest up before making our way into the mountains the next day. There are plenty of places for us to sleep there."

And that's what they end up doing. The group stays where they set up camp that night, and the next morning, they begin heading west until they reach the town that Levi had stayed in before. The one with the little houses and big windows. The town with the amazing view of the mountains.

Levi claims the house that he had stayed in before straight away, tying Elsa up out front, and he's actually a little surprised when Erwin follows _him_ into the small building, though he doesn't say anything. And that evening, Erwin stays with him, sitting on the floor in front of the mattress in the middle of the room with him, as Levi explains their routing for the next few days to him.

And for the first time, Levi feels like Erwin's equal. He's not obeying orders without question or following Erwin faithfully into battle, as he used to. No, instead, he's sitting on the floor of a small, abandoned farm house, showing Erwin what they're going to do next, and Erwin is listening.

And Levi finds himself wondering, as he drifts off to sleep that night with Erwin by his side, if it had always been like this. If Erwin had always seen him in this light, and he just hadn't noticed it.

When he awakes the next morning, he's lying on the mattress in the middle of the room, soft light filtering in through the windows, and Erwin's arm is draped around his waist.

He doesn't move.

It's not the first time that the two of them have accidentally fallen asleep next to one another, and it's not the first time that Levi's woken up with Erwin's body pressed against his own. But it's the first time that it feels _different_ when he wakes up like this.

Normally, Levi wouldn't have a problem sitting up and waking Erwin as he got ready for the long journey ahead of them, but now he doesn't move. He's uncertain why, but instead he waits until he feels Erwin - his _Commander_ \- stir next to him. He waits until Erwin removes his arm from his waist and rolls over on the old mattress.

Levi stays still, waiting for a few moments before turning over himself, daring to glance up at Erwin. Erwin, with messy hair and sleepy eyes and a wrinkly shirt. It's a sight that not many people get to see, and before Levi realizes what he's doing, he's storing the image away in his mind. And then he's storing another one when Erwin's mouth twists up into a small, sleepy smile.

"Good morning," He murmurs, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the mattress. Levi doesn't say anything in response, but the silence isn't awkward. It's comfortable between the two of them as Erwin pulls his boots on, glancing out the big, western facing window as he does so. And it transports Levi into a handful of other mornings, where he'd woken up in his commander's bed, so exhausted from the day before that he'd fallen asleep there instead of his own room. The night before, however had been completely the opposite. Levi had planned on staying in the little house, but it was Erwin who had curled up next to him at the end of the night, and he finds himself wondering if there's any significance in that.

"They look purple in the sunrise," Erwin remarks, and it shakes Levi out of his thoughts. He finally sits up at that, following his gaze out the window and to the mountains. He's right. The trees and snowy peaks have this beautiful pinkish purple hue off in the distance, just barely lit up by the setting sun. He almost opens his mouth, wondering why he hadn't noticed it when he was there before, but then he remembers.

He remembers being in a hurry the last time he was there, his dream - his dream of _Erwin_ \- the night before leaving a bad taste in his mouth. He hadn't wanted to stay in the same place for too long, had felt this overwhelming need to escape his old life. And part of him finds it a bit of a coincidence that he's sharing this moment - the sunrise - in the same place with Erwin, who he - for some reason - had been trying so desperately to escape that day. Why had he wanted to escape that memory? When he glances up at Erwin, then out the window, he can't quite remember, though part of him wonders if it had anything to do with the heavy guilt he still feels in his chest.

"It's beautiful," Levi finally remarks, tearing his gaze from the mountains to Erwin, who now stands above him.

"It is," Erwin agrees. He runs his fingers through his hair, smoothing it out before adjusting his shirt. "Sasha should be making food before we leave," He says as he makes his way toward the doorway, all while Levi follows him with his eyes, "Should I save you some?"

"Yeah," He replies, shaking himself out of the daze that he seems to be in when Erwin glances his way. "Yeah, I'll be out soon. Thank you."

And at that, Erwin is out the door and Levi allows himself to fall backward onto the mattress again. He's uncertain why he feels off - why he's suddenly remembering his first night in the small house and that dream _now_ \- but he attempts to shake it off as he lies on the mattress, staring up at the old, peeling ceiling. He’s just getting used to traveling - working - with Erwin again. After months without his company, things were bound to feel a little bit off, right?

Sasha does make breakfast, and it's delicious, as expected, even if it does cause the group to get a late start heading west that morning. Somehow, though, nobody can bring themselves to care. There's a sense of ease among them. They don't need to hurry, don't need to worry about being in one place for too long.

For the first time in a long time, things are on their terms.

It takes a little longer from them to reach the mountains than it had taken Levi on his first trip, but that's partially due to their late start and the fact that they're not racing toward the jagged peaks on the horizon at full speed, as he had done before. And Levi realizes, as they take things a bit slower, that he wishes he would have his first time around, too. As they ride, slowly getting closer to the feet of the mountains, Levi finds himself noticing the little things, like the tall, golden grass they ride through on the first day, or the small little patches of wildflowers that Erwin pauses to examine on the second day.

It feels different, but sort of nice, taking things at a slower pace. Taking a breath. Even if it is new. Even if it is very _unlike_ Levi.

"You're anxious," Erwin says in a soft voice one afternoon, riding alongside Levi. The group is a little bit spread out, but within shouting distance of one another, yet Erwin rides close to Levi. He _always_ rides close to Levi, his Captain.

"Am I?" Levi asks, glancing up, and when Erwin nods down to his hands, he follows his gaze. He hadn't even noticed it, but when he looks down, he realizes that he's fidgeting with his reins, picking at the leather straps with his fingers. Pieces of them have even started to fray a little, and at the sight, Levi promptly stops.

"Are you alright?" Erwin asks, seemingly concerned, and Levi feels a little pit in his chest. Even now, Erwin is concerned for him. Even now, when there's no real threat or danger. Part of that makes him want to smile because despite what _anyone_ may say, Erwin Smith really does care. But another part of Levi can't help but feel immensely guilty because Erwin _cares_ , and though it's in the past, he ran out on him, without a single word. Without a goodbye. And while Erwin has made it clear that there are no hard feelings, he can't help but feel bad.

"Yeah," He mutters at last, fixing his gaze on the horizon instead of on the man next to him, "Just excited to see it."

And though he can't see Erwin's face, he can hear the smile in his voice when he replies, "As am I."

* * *

 

Thankfully, the path that Levi leads them up isn't too steep for the supply wagon, and within three days, they've finally reached the mountains and are making their way into them. The leaves, Levi notes as they ascend, him and Erwin leading the group, have all mostly changed into a golden brown or orange now, and either sway in the cool fall breeze, or fall slowly to the ground as they ride by. It's going to get cold soon, and winter will soon be upon them, but thankfully, they have plenty of supplies in the wagon to last them through it, unlike Levi's first trip. 

By the middle of their second day in the mountains, they reach the first valley that Levi had come across and begin to set up camp alongside the river, taking advantage of the fresh water to refill canteens and wash up before resting for the day. Levi finds himself sitting on a rock on the side of the stream, allowing the cold water to rush over his tired feet when Hanji approaches him late that afternoon. Wordlessly, she sits down next to him, mimicking his actions and pulling off her own boots to stick her feet in the water.

"It's funny," She remarks, staring ahead into the water as she speaks, but Levi still listens, "There's mountains in the walls, and I've been through them countless times, but none of them compare to this."

Levi is silent in his agreement for a moment before replying, "It's the sky."

He doesn't explain it, but by the way that Hanji hums in response, she seems to get it. "It's so open out here," She comments, "It's like I finally feel free. I don't know how you left this."

Levi opens his mouth to tell her that it's because he can't bear to stay in one spot for too long - that the thought of it reminds him too much of being trapped in the walls again - but he doesn't. Instead, he mutters, "I came back, didn't I?"

It isn't until he says the words that Levi realizes that they have a double meaning. And before he has a chance to add anything or take them back, Hanji seems to catch on.

"I haven't asked you, because I didn't want to upset you," She starts, and before she even finishes, Levi knows where she's going. But still, he lets her. Maybe he's learned some patience in the past few months. "But why did you leave the walls so fast?"

And while Levi opens his mouth to speak again, he's uncertain as to what to say. Nobody has asked him yet, not even Erwin. He hasn't had to explain himself. Hasn't had to rationalize it. He just felt like he _had_ to go.

"I don't know," He mutters at last, and while the admission makes him feel weak, especially in front of Hanji, it also feels nice to voice it. "At first it was because I felt like I needed to do _something._ After years of working so hard on something, it felt odd for our work to be over."

Hanji hums in response, and for some reason, that upsets Levi. It says that she understands, but she shouldn't, because he's not even certain if it's the truth anymore. To be honest, he doesn't really know why he left so suddenly, without saying goodbye to anyone. That had been the thing, it wasn't just Erwin. It was also Hanji and Eren and Mikasa and everyone else in the Survey Corps. He had left, had abandoned his squad, and for what? Because he couldn't wait a few more days to look at a map with Erwin? Because he felt like he needed to keep himself busy? Or because he was scared that if he didn't leave right away, he never would?

As he stares down at the water rushing over his feet, he finds that he can't rationalize his decision. Though part of him, deep down thinks that maybe, it was because he was scared that once the titans were gone, he'd be of no use to the government or the Survey Corps or even _Erwin_ anymore. Because killing titans was one of the few things he was actually good at. What was he supposed to do now?

Levi swallows the lump in his throat, realizing belatedly that a thick silence has fallen over the two of them. "I don't know," He repeats at last, "I still don't."

He glances around at that, suddenly scared that at that admission, someone might have heard him. That someone might have seen him let the mask drop slightly. Hanji has always been good at getting him to do that.

And as he glances around, his eyes come to rest on Erwin, standing a few meters off in the valley, helping Jean and Connie set up a few tents. It looks like rain, and they're going to need them.

"Have you told him that?" Hanji asks at last, catching Levi's attention. He tears his gaze from Erwin and the campsite to look up at her for the first time in their short conversation.

"What?"

"Erwin," She clarifies, as if Levi needed it, "Have you told him that?"

"What, that I don't know why I left? That I was scared?" Levi grumbles, looking away again. He pulls his feet out of the water, even as Hanji stays still in her place. Erwin hasn’t even asked him - hasn’t even brought it up since that first night, so why would he tell him? There’d be no point, especially because _he_ doesn’t even know why he left, right? Things were fine. _Erwin_ was fine. Right?

"Yes," She confirms, voice quiet. It's unlike her to be so soft-spoken, and her words somehow hit home with Levi.

"He didn't seem upset," Levi remarks, though, masking his reaction behind grumbled words and narrowed eyes. He pulls on his boots quickly, suddenly very ready to be done with their conversation.

"He wasn't," She replies, "But he was worried. About you. I think he still is."

"Well he shouldn't be," Levi bites as he stands, "I'm fine."

And though he doesn't look down at Hanji before he walks away, and though she doesn't say anything in response, her silence says all that it needs to.

_Are you really?_

And he's not certain if he is.

Either way, he has a job to do, so he shakes the thought away yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some stuff is happening. Sorry it's taken so long, I just really wanted this to be a slow build. The rest of this moves at a pretty decent pace, though!


	7. Maybe I Go Because I'm Chasing Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Maybe I go because I'm chasing something_  
>  _Maybe I go because something is chasing me_  
>  \- [Stick Around](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCdJst7_VF4%22) \- David Ramirez
> 
> This was one of my favorite chapters to write, so I hope you enjoy!

The rain really does come down that night, hard and pounding on the side of the tent, and that, along with the continuous cracks of thunder and flashes of lightning don't really make for a good night's sleep. Either does the fact that Levi has a tent all to himself, as well as his thoughts, and Hanji's words echoing around in his head.

He _had_ felt guilty after leaving the walls - after leaving Erwin and the Corps - without saying goodbye, but he had let that go. Or so he thought. And so had Erwin, or so he thought.

But even still, lying on his back, alone in his tent, rain and wind pounding outside, Levi can't shake the heavy guilt that settles in his chest. Had Erwin really been worried about him? What had he thought when he realized that Levi had gone without a word? Without any indication as to where he was going. Hell, how had _his squad_ felt when their leader of _years_ had left without a reason or word or even so much as a _thank you?_

He had seen Mikasa and Eren and Armin back at the small lakeside town, while he had been there for a couple of weeks, but it had been quick. Fleeting. It most certainly hadn't been a warm reunion, and he had never even brought up the war or the titans or how _valiantly_ they had fought by his side to them when he'd seen them. He should have, he decides as he lies there, unable to sleep. He should have thanked them. Should have told them how good of a job they'd done.

He should have apologized for leaving so suddenly.

And while he knows that he still has a chance to do that with Connie, Sasha, Jean, Hanji and even _Erwin_ , that doesn't seem to help the tightness in his chest.

His talk with Hanji gets him thinking about _why_ he left in the first place, and though he didn't voice it out loud to her, one thing in their conversation rang true:

He was scared that he was going to become useless, with no job to do.

Erwin had brought him into the Survey Corps all of those years ago because he showed promise. Because he was skilled at using the maneuver gear and he was an adapt fighter and - in Erwin's words - he had the spirit. But it was one of the only things he was good at, killing titans. He lacked most people skills, had never received any proper schooling, and was lucky that he could read, let alone write. How could he prove to be useful after the titans were gone?

Sure, it was partially because he had longed to live outside of the walls - to explore the world - for years now. And yeah, it was partially because he was scared to stay in one place for long. And he also knows that it was because he lacks the ability to linger - to allow himself to breathe and relax, just for a minute.

But mostly, he left the walls so abruptly, without a word to anyone, because he was absolutely terrified of becoming useless, especially to Erwin, someone who had believed in him from the beginning, when he never should have. He'd never allowed himself to think about it before - never even considered it an option because it's so damn _human_ and trivial - but Levi knows, listening to the rain and the thunder outside of his tent, that it's why he left.

He was scared that Erwin wouldn’t need him anymore. And while he’s uncertain of what that says about his feelings for Erwin, or their relationship in general, he’s sure that in the coming weeks, he’ll figure it out, whether he wants to or not.

* * *

 

The next morning, Levi wakes up to the sound of birds chirping and hushed voices speaking outside of his tent. And as he wakes up, slowly but surely, stretching out on the ground, he can hear the faint crackling of a campfire and can smell food cooking over the faint smell of fresh rain on the grass outside. 

And while part of him still feels _off_ after his talk with Hanji, he finds himself getting up and out of the tent within a few minutes, making his way over to the campfire, where Sasha and Connie sit together. Surprisingly, Erwin, Hanji and the others aren't up yet, so he joins the two of them, graciously accepting a cup of coffee when Sasha offers.

And as the two of them chat, comfortably and easily in front of Levi while their food cooks, he can't help but remember the first time he met them. He'd thought, upon watching the two of them fight for the first time, that they would more than likely be two of the first new recruits to die. Yet here they sit, _smiling_ and chatting around the campfire, like old friends. _Free._

Levi swallows hard, fingers tightening around the coffee cup.

"It's come to my attention that I've never thanked either of you," He says suddenly, when there's a lull in the conversation, and when he speaks, the two of them actually jump to attention. Old habits die hard.

Levi clears his throat and continues, "The two of you are part of the reason why we're sitting here today. I don't want you to forget that. I'm grateful that you're here to share it with me."

The words feel foreign on his tongue - Levi isn't used to telling anyone, let alone his squad members - that they've done a good job. That he appreciates them. They're just expected to keep working, regardless of any praise or lack thereof. But Levi feels that he needs to voice it. He feels that he needs to do _something_ right.

Connie and Sasha share a quick look, obviously uncertain of what to say before a third person chimes in, sitting at Levi's side.

"You were a good Captain," Jean remarks, plucking a piece of meat out of the pan, despite a look that Sasha shoots him, "And I think I speak for all of us when I say we're grateful for that."

The conversation is low after that, if not completely non-existent, but it's nice. And though it doesn't fix everything, it helps lift some of the weight off of Levi's shoulders.

* * *

 

The journey is slow for the most of the day, after the group finishes eating and packing up camp. The trails are wet and muddy and it's difficult for the wagon to make it through of such slick terrain, so before they make it very far, they decide to set up camp for the night again, and pick up again in the morning. 

Levi doesn't talk to Erwin - or anyone for that matter - much that day, but he can feel Hanji's eyes on him whenever he does come in contact with his Commander or anyone else, as if she's waiting to see what he'll do.

Two days after his conversation with Hanji and that long, rainy night, they finally crest the hill overlooking the big valley and village that Levi had stayed in for almost two months. And he'd be lying if he said it didn't sort of feel like coming home when he sees the small little houses situated into the mountainside.

"This is it," Levi mutters to Erwin when he notices his Commander struggling to rummage through one of his saddle bags, trying to figure out where on the map they are. "This is the town I stayed in," He confirms.

"Good," Erwin says, pushing his own horse onward. The rest of the group follows, Levi at his side, as he gives orders, "We'll set up camp here for a few days. Work on scouting and mapping out neighboring areas."

And Levi can't help the way that he freezes slightly when Erwin gives his orders, realizing that he'll be staying in the small town again. The one that he had been so desperate to escape months ago. The one that had scared him into thinking that he was settling down - staying in one place for too long - before he left.

But at the same time, part of Levi shakes away that fear, because he can't deny the bit of love he has for the small mountain town. It's small, peaceful, and beautiful. And who knows, maybe it will give Levi the chance to explore more than he got the chance to do before. There's gas for their maneuver gear on the wagon, and that would definitely help him get further than he did before.

Hell, maybe he could even make it to that little meadow he'd spied on one of his first days in the valley before.

So, while the thought of staying there for too long worries Levi a little, he can't help but be a little bit excited for what lies ahead. From here on out, everything will be a new experience. Not just for the group, but for him, too.

Levi glances to his left as they make their way down into the valley, eyes landing on Erwin. And though the other man face wears its usual stoic look, Levi can spy the bit of excitement - the bit of wonder - in his eyes. And though Erwin isn't, he can't help but smile a little.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" He asks, watching Erwin take in the scenery of the valley. To the south, the small river trickles through the green grass, and when he looks to the north, his spies a grove of trees amongst the pines, their leaves shining yellow in the afternoon sun. And west, he can spy just the tops of the tall, snowy peaks off in the distance.

The sight really is remarkable, even though it's not his first time seeing it, and Levi can tell by the expression on Erwin's face that he agrees.

"Breathtaking," Erwin corrects, a small smile playing on his lips.

They reach the valley by mid afternoon, and because they have plenty of sunlight left in the day, Erwin decides that it would be a good idea to scout out all of the houses in the village, in order to determine if all of them are safe to inhabit, for future reference. The rest of the group, of course, takes it as an opportunity to call dibs on the houses that _they_ want to stay in for the next few days, and Erwin lets them. Spirits are high, after all, finding something like this. It's practically a utopia, compared to the walls and the small, destroyed towns outside of them. Levi imagines that this is how they must have felt upon discovering the lakeside town that he'd found them at.

So while Sasha, Connie, Jean and the other newer recruits wander around the town on their own, cleaning out some of the small cabins, Levi finds himself walking alongside Hanji and Erwin, leading their hoses to the small corral he'd found upon his first time arriving in the town.

"Is this the house you stayed in last time?" Erwin asks, as they un-tack their horses and allow them to run into the corral. He's looking up at the little cabin, situated into the side of the mountain.

Levi nods, following his gaze, "Yeah."

"Why don't you get situated, then?" Erwin suggests, voice light, and it actually catches Levi off guard. It's mid day, and they have plenty of work and scouting and planning to do. It would be stupid to spend that time _getting situated_ , when they're just going to leave again soon.

Yet still, old habits seem to die hard, because Levi is taking the order, shrugging and nodding, leaving Erwin and Hanji to finish scouting out the other abandoned buildings that nobody else has touched. And he finds himself walking up the small path to the little cabin, bags in hand, as if he's returning home.

When he walks in the front door, the mattress still lies in the center of the room, untouched, though a thin layer of dust has settled on top of it. Levi promptly drags it out the front door after setting his things down and kicks as much dirt as he can off. Because if he’s _getting settled,_ then he's damn well going to sleep on a clean mattress.

Sasha makes an early dinner while the sun is still up, and after they finish eating around the fire, just as the sun begins to set, casting a cool shadow over the valley, everyone slowly begins to return to their respective temporary homes. Everyone except Erwin, of course. He stops Levi as he begins to stand alongside Hanji, with a hand on his wrist.

"If you don't mind," He says, "I'd like to discuss scouting plans with you, Levi."

And though she's already up and walking away, Levi can practically _feel_ Hanji's eyes on him, as if she expects to say something - to have some big breakthrough and apologize to Erwin right here in front of her. He mentally scoffs. That's not going to happen.

"Yeah," Levi mutters, "That's fine."

And that's how Levi finds himself helping Erwin kick dirt over a dying campfire before leading him by lamp-light to his small little cabin, where his notebook and makeshift map resides. While Erwin has a neater penned out version of it in his saddlebags, Levi prefers his original. No offense to Erwin, of course. It's just that when he looks at it in his own handwriting - his own crappy little sketches - it's like he can see the places he's been again, and he decides it'll help if he has that to explain things to Erwin.

And though the light of the lamp is dim - it really isn't much help - Levi finds himself sitting, leaning up against the mattress, next to Erwin, explaining where they should go and why.

"The canyon would be easiest, especially after so much traveling" He says, pointing to a small mark on his map, "But it _is_ about an hour's ride just to get there, and the horses could use the rest."

"Is there anywhere closer we can go by foot or our gear?" Erwin asks, eyes fixed on the map, as if it'll speak to him.

The first thing that flashes to the forefront of Levi's mind is the small, green meadow that he'd spied months ago, standing on top of the small outcropping of rock. And he almost tells Erwin about it, but ultimately decides against it. Not because he wants to keep it to himself or because it's something _special_ to him, but because it's impractical. Just getting to the meadow would be more than a day's journey, and there'd be no guaranteed payoff. For all he knows, it would be just a waste of gas.

He scratches that idea in favor of pointing out another area on the map, south of the valley.

"There's a lake not too far south," He suggests, "Once we reach the other end of the valley, a small group could use maneuver gear to get there pretty quickly. I didn't investigate it very well when I was there before, but it seemed like there was a small trail on the north end of the lake. It could either be from wildlife-"

"Or a trail to another town," Erwin finishes, nodding, "Would you like to lead it?"

"What about-"

"I should stay here, rest a little," Erwin mutters in return, before Levi even has the chance to finish his question. And as if to put emphasis on his words, Erwin reaches up, rubbing at his right shoulder with a pained look on his face.

"The maneuver gear is still rough on you," Levi infers.

"Especially since I'm so out of practice, yeah," Erwin admits, "And after so much riding. But it'll be good for you to get some of the group out. I can have a few of them stay behind with me and help me map out the town."

Levi nods, though he can't help the way his brows pull together in concern. Erwin's not as young as he used to be. Not as strong either. And it's definitely not that he's old or weak, but years of fighting titans with only one arm and acting as if he still has _both_ has more than likely taken its toll on him. And while part of Levi wishes that Erwin could be there for their first expedition in the mountains, he knows that he's earned the luxury to rest.

"Yeah, alright," He agrees, turning his gaze from Erwin back down to his notebook, "That should work."

"Don't look at me like I'm so breakable," Erwin teases lightly, seemingly sensing Levi's concern.

And at that, Levi cracks a small smile. "Sorry," He mutters, "I just forget that you're an old man sometimes."

And though he's not looking up, he can feel Erwin smiling next to him. And for a moment, it feels good. It feels like how things used to be, without the stupid guilt weighing down Levi's chest. Without Hanji looking at him like he's done something wrong. For a moment, it's just the two of them, planning tactics like old times.

Levi almost scoffs. They really are getting old.

The two of them sit up late into the night, Levi explaining the canyon and the forests and the closest neighboring peaks to Erwin, pointing out as many places as he can on his map. Truthfully, he's pointed them out before - back on that first night in the lakeside town - but now that they're actually _there_ , he does so again. Because _now_ , Erwin has an idea of what he's talking about when he mentions that it looks like the closest snow-capped peak is a little bit west of the river on the south side of the meadow, though he could be wrong.

They sit up late into the night, until Levi yawns for the third time in five minutes, and Erwin begins to stand, taking that as his cue to leave.

"We can work on this more in the morning," He says, holding out his hand to help Levi to his feet, "Before you leave."

"Have you already found a place to stay?" Levi finds himself asking in return, instead of agreeing with Erwin's orders. Though he had spent an hour or two of the afternoon doing as Erwin had said - settling in - he _had_ noticed that the other man hadn't set up a campsite or a tent or moved any of his things into any of the abandoned houses. If he's correct, Erwin's bags and supplies still sit propped up against the corral fence outside.

Erwin shrugs, "It's nice out. I'll be alright."

"It's getting cold," Levi counters, "You can stay here."

And then he can't help the way he cracks a smile, snorting to himself.

"What?" Erwin asks, and he sounds genuinely confused, which only makes Levi chuckle more.

"I sound fucking ridiculous and domesticated," Levi mutters, shaking his head, "We really are getting old."

And at that, Erwin lets out a little laugh as well. "Yeah. I suppose we are."

"But stay," Levi insists before Erwin has a chance to say anything else. And before he can talk himself out of it. "This mattress is huge. And it's not like you haven't cuddled up to me before."

Erwin's smile widens into something warmer at that, something fond, before he's nodding. "Alright."

And that's how Levi ends up sharing a bed with Erwin for the second time in the past couple of weeks, his commander curling up next to him on the dirty old mattress in the middle of the little cabin. It's getting cold outside, but Erwin is warm next to him, and he'll be damned if he doesn't take advantage of that, scooting into his touch slightly.

Erwin falls asleep rather quickly, and while _Levi_ had been the one yawning, he finds himself still awake, even half an hour after Erwin is out, lying with his back facing his commander, eyes open, alone with his thoughts. He can't help but think about _easy_ things have seemed, slipping back into routine with Erwin. How simple it was, despite everything, and he can't help but hear Hanji's words echo around in his head.

If Erwin was worried about him, it would make sense that he'd take him back into the squad so easily. He'd been concerned.

And maybe it's the lack of sleep, or the warm body pressed up against him, but Levi can't help the bit of guilt that rises up when he thinks about that. Not only for leaving his Commander, but his friend.

He tries to shake it away, but it's hard.

* * *

 

Levi wakes up early the next morning, long before Erwin and - as he realizes when he steps outside of the small cabin, hugging his jacket around his torso - long before the majority of the squad, save for Hanji. She sits a few meters off, back to the cabin, tending a small fire. The sun just barely peaks over the eastern foothills, casting a pink hue about the sky, and Levi decides that he has the time to sit and relax next to Hanji by the fire, before he begins to prepare for the long day ahead of him. 

"Good morning, Levi," She calls brightly, before he even reaches the campfire, let alone sits down next to her. And by the time he actually sits, she's already reaching for an empty mug and pouring him a cup of tea, handing it to him without even glancing in his direction.

"Morning," He mutters, taking the cup and sitting next to her.

"It's beautiful here," She murmurs softly once he's close enough, voice much lower than her initial greeting. "I can see why you stayed so long."

And while he doesn't want the conversation to go anywhere - and by Hanji's comment, he's certain it will - he has to agree. "Yeah," He replies quietly, "I know."

It's quiet for a long moment, and Levi lets out a deep exhale, taking a sip of his tea, hoping that it's the end of the conversation. He hasn't really spoken to Hanji much since their encounter at the river and while he loves her - she's his comrade and friend - he's going to lose it if she tries to bring anything about his leaving up again. It's over. Done with. And he's glad that, for a few minutes, sitting in front of the fire, she doesn't say anything.

That is, until she does.

"Did you talk to him?"

Levi almost drops his cup. " _For fuck's sake_ , Hanji," He mutters, exasperated, "Let it go."

" _You_ won't," She calls him out on it, and he knows that she's got him there. He hasn't let it go. He's been feeling guilty since he first laid eyes on Erwin back in that little lakeside town.

"That's my problem," Levi grumbles, "Not yours."

"It is when it's clearly bothering you," Hanji retorts, "And when it clearly bothered Erwin."

"Well then he can bring it up with me," Levi spits. He's starting to lose his patience, on the verge of dropping his cup and leaving, in favor of getting his things ready for the day.

"I'm surprised he hasn't," Hanji shoots back, just as fast, "Since he stayed the night with you and all."

Levi finally looks up at that, eyes hard on Hanji. "What are you getting at?"

She shrugs, obviously feigning indifference. "That you two have been inseparable since you came back," She retorts, "Unless that's how you've always been."

"He's my _Commander_ , Hanji," Levi argues, narrowing his eyes. He doesn't add that it _has_ always been that way, and she knows it.

"He's mine too," She counters, "And he's not staying the night in my cabin."

Levi stands at that, ready to walk away. "This conversation is over."

"Is this how all of your time with him has been?"

The question is loaded, and Levi isn't quite sure what to think of it. Not yet. So it's fair when he replies shortly with, "I don't know what you're talking about."

He's surprised, however, when Hanji spits in response, " _Bullshit_ , Levi."

He turns on his heel at that, looking down at her, " _Excuse me?"_

"You shared a bed with him in that tiny little shack, did you not?" She asks instead of sparing Levi an answer, looking up at him. And he doesn't know what to say in response. Doesn't know what he's _supposed_ to say.

Part of him wants to yell at her for making things into something that they're not, but another part of him wants to ask her what exactly she means. Has she seen something that he hasn't? But at the same time, the _leader_ in him wants to reprimand Hanji for even speaking to him like she is. He knows he can't however, so he just bites his tongue. He doesn't say anything, doesn't even validate her question with a response.

Still, that seems to do the trick for her.

She shrugs, looking away from Levi, back down at the campfire, "Then don't tell me that it doesn't mean anything."

And while Levi wants to argue - she doesn't know what she's talking about, she's making something out of nothing - he doesn't. Instead, he just repeats, quieter, _"Excuse me_?"

And again, Hanji just shrugs, eyes fixed on the fire. "You came back for a reason," She mutters, "And he let you. That's all I have to say. Figure it out."


	8. Sometimes I Wonder What Love Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _And sometimes I may stumble_  
>  _and sometimes I wonder what love is_  
>  _and I wonder what it's like_  
>  _to hold true, so close to you_  
>  \- [Nothing Better Than A Journey To You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nidyTUKjnrI) \- Justin Vernon
> 
> This is kind of a filler chapter, but I wanted to explore Levi's internal struggle a little bit more. Also, I just really wanted a reason to write a bunch of flashbacks. I really liked writing this chapter, though, so I hope you enjoy!

_"Levi," His voice is soft, low, different than how he sounds out on the battlefield. But it also sounds distant and far away to Levi's ears, as if he's hearing him from underwater. Hell, maybe he is. He feels like he's drowning anyway, gasping for breath._

_Still, the voice reaches out to him, "Levi, you're alright, listen to me."_

_But he can't. He can't listen. He can't listen and he can't breathe and he can barely even hear, let alone process Erwin's words or what's going on. The only thing on his mind, the only thing that he can think of, the only thing echoing around in there, are the last clear words he heard spoken._

_"They didn't make it."_

_Farlan and Isabel. They were dead. Gone. And he couldn't save them. In fact, it was his fault that they were dead. He got them into this mess with his cocky attitude and his confidence that they'd be fine outside of the walls. He should have known better. He knew better! They couldn't survive out there. Nobody could._

_And now it's his fault that they're gone._

_Levi distantly feels hands gripping at his arms and he struggles to pull away from the grasp, stumbling backward off balance once he's free. His eyes are wide, but he can't see anything through the veil of tears that clouds them, threatening to spill over._

_He feels weak. Helpless. Useless._

_It should have been him._

_"Levi," The voice - his Commander's voice - reaches out to him again, and somehow, miraculously, latches on, "Levi, look at me."_

_Levi shakes his head frantically, pulling away from grasping hands again._

_"No," He mutters, and it's the first thing he's said since he heard those four gut-wrenching words, "I can't, I-"_

_"Levi," Erwin repeats, voice softer, and before Levi has a chance to push away or fight him off, he's reaching forward, cupping his face in his hands, "I'm sorry. I tried. We all tried to save them. Please, just breathe."_

_"No, no," Levi mutters, closing his eyes tight and shaking his head back and forth. He can feel the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, spilling over. He hasn't cried in years. Hasn't cried since he lost his parents. And now that it's started, he knows it won't stop._

_"It - it's my fault, I - I -" He cuts himself short, choking out a sob between his words._

_"Levi, look at me," Erwin insists, voice hard. It's a command, an order, and though he doesn't want to - he wants to curl up and die - Levi opens his eyes, looking up at his Commander through wet lashes. His breath hiccups, coming out in short bursts, and suddenly, he feels like a child again._

_He feels weak, stupid. He wants this all to go away._

_"This is not your fault," Erwin insists, holding the eye contact with Levi. He looks upset as well, maybe even worried, but he doesn't look disappointed. He doesn't look disgusted at Levi's outburst or the tears streaming down his cheeks. He looks concerned._

_"You had no control over this," Erwin continues, eyes hard, "If it is anyone's fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have sent them out there without someone more experienced. This isn't on you."_

_"But-" Levi stammers, still struggling to control his rapid breathing. He wants to tell Erwin - Erwin, the man that he once swore he'd kill once he got the chance - that it isn't his fault. That he's not the one who got them into this mess. But he can't. So instead, he chokes out in a very small voice, "They were my friends."_

_I was supposed to keep them safe._

_"I know," Erwin murmurs, "I'm sorry, Levi."_

_And at those words, Levi finds himself collapsing forward into Erwin's chest, fingers gripping the fabric of his green cloak, holding on for dear life. And he half expects Erwin to push him away - they're still in the middle of nowhere, outside of the walls, very much still in the line of danger, especially separated from the rest of the squad - but he doesn't._

_Instead, he feels Erwin's arms wrap easily around his small shoulders, holding him close and tight. Months ago if someone had told him that he’d be sobbing into Erwin’s arms, letting the other man comfort him as he does so, he would have laughed in their face. Months ago, had this happened then, Levi probably would have tried to kill Erwin on the spot, no questions asked._

_But now? Now, Erwin is his Commander. He’s the only person Levi has left, now._

_"It's okay," He hears Erwin murmur out in a soft voice, "You're okay, Levi."_

* * *

 

Levi leads a small team of people - Sasha, Connie, and one newer recruit named Addi - out to the lake that he had discussed with Erwin late in the afternoon, but even as he soars easily through the trees, happy to be back in his maneuver gear, his mind is elsewhere. Even as he hears Sasha and Connie behind him, laughing as they weave in and out of trees, commenting on how much they've missed it, he can't think straight enough to tell them to focus on the mission instead of messing around.

Instead, he can't get his mind off of his conversation with Hanji. Can't seem to shake the feeling that she might be right.

Instead, all he can think about as he soars through the trees, is _Erwin._

* * *

 

_"Cut the shit," Levi mutters, crossing his arms, "You're only promoting me because you feel bad for me."_

_They're standing alone in Erwin's office, and Levi is fuming because just ten minutes ago, Erwin had announced to the squad that Levi would be their new Captain._

_It's been two months since Farlan and Isabel's deaths, and Levi is all but back to his old self._

_"Why would I do that?" Erwin asks in a bored tone, back to Levi. He's sitting at his desk, filling out the proper paperwork to send to the capital about Levi, and he doesn't even spare him a glance when he speaks._

_"You know damn well why," Levi spits, "Don't play dumb."_

_And at that, Erwin finally pauses, setting his pen down.  He turns in his chair to face Levi. Even sitting, he's only a few inches shorter than him, and Levi can't help but feel slightly intimidated by the hard look that Erwin shoots him._

_"I'm making you a Captain because you're one of my strongest soldiers," He says, voice hard, "Not because I'm trying to make up for their deaths."_

_The words are harsh, and they make Levi clench his fists, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say. Since his outburst - since that day he had gripped onto Erwin, sobbing - neither of them have mentioned Farlan and Isabel. On Levi's part, it's partially because he's scared of what will happen if he allows himself to think about them - to talk about them - for too long._

_On Erwin's part, he's not so certain. But if he had to guess, he'd say that his Commander probably feels embarrassed for him. For the way he'd cried, broken down, gripping onto him._

_So they don't discuss it. They haven't until now._

_Levi's mouth hangs open, uncertain of what to say, so it's Erwin who fills the silence again._

_"I want the strongest at my side, leading my men," He explains, "And that's you, Levi."_

_"But-"_

_"I trust you," Erwin cuts him off before he can get anything out, "So can you trust that I'm making this decision for the right reasons?"_

_And though Levi wants to fight and argue the entire way - it's in his nature - he nods curtly, straightening his posture. "Yes, sir. Thank you."_

* * *

 

The lake isn't very large, but it's clear and clean, and Connie makes a comment that if they don't find anything else throughout the day, that they should at least try to catch some fish and bring them back to camp for the others. And Levi - mind still elsewhere - agrees before leading them on foot up the narrow, winding path south. 

It's beautiful, the forest lining the trail that the four of them walk. The leaves between the pine trees are all gold and yellow and orange now, and they sway gently in the wind as they walk by, just barely hanging on, and Levi finds himself distantly wondering how long it'll be before they all fall to the ground and die, signaling the beginning of winter.

The sides of the trail are dotted with colorful wildflowers, still somehow hanging on despite the cold nights, and Levi notes that their colors match the ones back in the valley, where the little town is waiting for them to return. Where _Erwin_ is waiting for them to return.

He allows his mind to wander as they walk, slow and easy up the trail, to his conversation with Hanji. It had left him with a bad taste in his mouth and anger pumping through his veins, but he has to admit, as soon as Erwin stepped out of that small little house, he had to wonder if she was right.

He's not stupid, he knows what she was inferring. That she was suggesting that his relationship with his Commander is more than meets the eye. And well, he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel something for Erwin that he didn't feel for any other members of the Survey Corps. But that feeling was trust, right? After all, even to this day, Levi trusted any of Erwin's decisions to the fullest. He was wired to. Erwin had never let him down.

He'd never seen Erwin in _that_ kind of light, right?

* * *

 

_"I'm doing laundry, if you'd like me to take yours," Levi announces as he stands up from the couch in Erwin's office. He's been sitting there, going over the events of their last mission in his head for the past hour - of the men they'd lost - and he needs to get his mind off of something. None of his clothes need to be washed, but God knows that Erwin's do. While the man is a professional, he's also quite lazy when it comes to things like cleaning his office or washing his clothes. That's where Levi usually comes in._

_Erwin glances up from where he sits at his desk before shrugging, "Yeah, sure. There's a basket in the closet."_

_And Levi crosses the room and opens the closet doors to find the small, wicker basket overflowing with dirty - bloody - shirts and pants. He cringes slightly before picking it up and steadying it on his hip, readying himself to leave._

_"I'll be back in-" He starts to say, but Erwin cuts him off, standing._

_"Take this one too," He mutters, un-clipping his maneuver gear and letting it fall to his sides before unbuttoning the dirty white shirt that clings to him and pulling it off. And while he hands it over, Levi can't really help the way his eyes rake over his Commander's torso._

_He's never really seen him shirtless before, and while it's nothing different than looking at any of his comrades, he can't help but stare because, despite the usual red marks crisscrossing his shoulders, chest and back from the maneuver gear, Erwin's torso is littered in light, puckered scars. Some of them are small, just little nicks and cuts here and there, but there's a few notable ones, one in particular runs up the expanse of his ribs on the right side, curving and stopping just short of his chest._

_Levi doesn't mean to stare, he really doesn't, but he can't help the way he looks Erwin up and down, silently wondering what the stories behind each mark are._

_Erwin seems to read his mind, because after a few moments, he's smiling and crossing the room to grab a clean shirt, pulling it over his shoulders. "When you've been in the Corps for as long as I have," He mutters, buttoning the new, clean shirt, "You earn a few scars."_

_Levi snorts at that, "Don't flatter yourself. They're ugly."_

_And Erwin lets out a chuckle as well. Anyone else would be put off by Levi's attitude and rude remark, but not Erwin. Levi decides that that's why he doesn't mind spending so much time around him. "I like them. Lets me know I'm still alive."_

_And with a shrug at those words, Levi is walking away, closing Erwin's door quietly behind himself._

* * *

 

No, he'd never seen Erwin in _that_ light, _right_? 

The path tapers out and dead-ends into the trees after a good half an hour of walking, and while Levi would normally take that as his cue to go back - there's nothing for them here - he doesn't want to retreat back to camp just yet. He'd rather not have to deal with Hanji's knowing eyes. And since they have plenty of daylight left and time to kill, Levi orders his small squad to use their maneuver gear to keep following the direction of the path through the trees, keeping an eye out for anything while they go.

And for the first ten minutes of swinging through the trees, there's nothing, just the same scenery and no path. For the first ten minutes, Levi is alone with his thoughts again, as he soars easily though the tall pines.

Things with Erwin have always been professional. They were close, sure, but that was a given. After Farlan and Isabel, Erwin had been the only person that he had. Which he found a little ironic, given that he swore he'd kill him when he'd first joined the Corps.

But Erwin had been the only person who really understood what it was like to lose someone. While the rest of the Corps understood - _of course_ they did - Erwin had been the one to comfort him that day. The one to hold him tight and tell him that everything would be okay when it sure as hell wasn't. He hadn't judged his tears or his actions, and had trusted Levi fully, and who would Levi be not to give that trust back?

No, their relationship is close, but professional. Maybe a little unhealthy and co-dependent, but never in a _romantic_ way, as Hanji seems to be suggesting, _right_?

* * *

 

_When he first lays eyes on the stump that used to be Erwin's arm, Levi wants to be sick. He wants to yell, wants to scream at Erwin for being so stupid, for doing something so reckless when he wasn't there to help. Because how dare he go and get himself hurt - almost killed - when Levi could have been there to stop it._

_He wants to be sick, but not because of the bloody bandage or the smell or the paleness of Erwin's skin. No, he wants to be sick because he knows that the Corps will never be the same. Erwin will never be the same. That even if he fully recovers, he won't be able to lead a battle again, at least not for a very long time. And even then, it won't be the same._

_Erwin smiles when he opens his eyes and sees Levi._

_"I was wondering when they'd let you in," He says softly._

_Levi rolls his eyes, taking a few steps further into the room. They're alone, no nurses, no Pixis yet, just the two of them. And he wants to scream at Erwin, but he can't because he's alive, and that's more important than anything that Levi wants to yell at him for._

_"They can't keep us separated for long," Levi jokes back._

_He doesn't expect the goofy smile on Erwin's face, followed by the soft, "I guess you really are my right hand man."_

_Levi snots. Whatever drugs they gave Erwin are obviously kicking in just fine. "You're a moron," He mutters._

_"For what?"_

_Levi finds himself crossing the rest of the room at that, sitting down next to Erwin's good side. He stays clear of his right arm - or the space where it used to be - for fear that he won't be able to stop staring at it if he starts._

_"For this," Levi mutters, "Mostly, getting yourself into such a stupid situation."_

_"We saved Eren," Erwin counters._

_"That brat is not worth an arm," Levi finds himself spitting back before he has a chance to censor himself. He knows he should go easy on Erwin right now, but he can't. He won't. This man is supposed to be his Commander. He's not supposed to be the weak, pale thing that Levi looks down at now._

_It's quiet for a long moment, Erwin either too drugged up or too exhausted to argue Eren's importance to Levi. Instead, he just closes his eyes, letting his head lull back against the pillows. He's not wearing a shirt, for the sake of protecting his wound, and Levi finds his eyes trailing over his chest, lingering on the older puckered scars, as well as the new, fresh cuts alongside them. Besides the obvious, it also looks like Erwin took a pretty decent beating when he more than likely fell from the beast’s grip, as well._

_"You'll have a nice stump to match the rest of your scars," He notes in a quiet tone, and his remark only earns a small hum from Erwin in return._

_It's quiet between the two of them again, and after a moment, Levi can't help the wave of emotions that washes over him, looking down at Erwin on the bed. What if he would have died? What if he still dies? Levi can't afford to lose anyone else, especially not the man that's been his anchor for the better half of a decade._

_He feels angry, hopeless, frustrated, scared._

_But most of all, he feels relieved. And for some reason, he decides to voice that._

_"I'm glad you're alive," He finds himself murmuring._

_Erwin doesn't open his eyes, but his lips do turn up into a small smile at his words, and he reaches out with his good arm - his only arm - at that, hand coming to rest over Levi's. And normally, Levi would shy away from the contact, but not now._

_"I'm glad you're here," Erwin returns._

_And Levi can't help the way that his hand turns under Erwin's at that, facing his palm up, absentmindedly lacing their fingers together._

_He’s not going anywhere._

* * *

 

No, they weren't romantic. Codependent and unhealthy, maybe. But not romantic. 

Romance implied that they had the time for love, and they most certainly didn't. Love was something small, trivial, compared to the war and the titans and life-or-death. Love was something reserved for the normal, ignorant everyday citizens that they were protecting. Nobody in the Corps was ever afforded the time for love, not even Eren and Mikasa, who both so obviously felt it for one another.

Though Levi can't help but wonder if that's changed for them, now that they have the time to breathe. Now that they have the time for small things like _love_.

No, Levi hasn't even had the chance to think about something so trivial as love until now, soaring through the tall trees. Until Hanji had so abruptly pointed it out to him. Though, he supposes, she never used the word _love_. That was his doing.

Levi wants to finish working it out in his head - wants to try to solve the puzzle that Hanji has created, or at least shed some light on - but just as the notion of _love_ crosses his mind, his thoughts are cut short.

He stops the group abruptly upon coming across a small opening in the trees, swinging down to land on both feet in tall, green grass, eyes scanning the abandoned town in front of them. For a moment, he'd thought they wouldn't find anything, but _this_ , this is definitely something.

The town is all but decimated, only a few buildings standing among the crushed ones, but it's not the town that catches Levi's eye. It's the small waterfall that serves as a backdrop to it, trickling down the mountainside a few meters off in the distance. A small watermill sits at the base of the waterfall, still turning, despite a century of neglect.

"Wow," Connie breaths at his side, eyes wide as he scans the area, "Thats..."

"Nothing," Levi finds himself muttering. His negativity earns him a look from the three people to his side, and he sighs, explaining, "Most of the buildings are crushed. They'll have to be rebuilt. And we'll have to map out an actual trail to get any supplies here. The watermill is a plus, but it'll be a hassle."

Connie sighs, "But it's beautiful."

Levi doesn't say anything in response, but he does agree. It's pretty remarkable.

They spend the remainder of the afternoon checking out the remaining standing buildings in the small town - some of which are sturdy, others on the verge of collapsing - and Levi carefully sketches out a quick map of the route to the area, as well as the town itself, making sure to mark down that the waterfall and mill could be of some help, if anyone were to ever inhabit the small town again.

By late afternoon, the group finally decides to turn back, having gathered enough information. Erwin will be excited, of course, and will probably want to check it out for himself tomorrow, so Levi carefully notes the easiest way there without too much use of maneuver gear as they make their way back, conscious about Erwin's arm and his soreness.

Because no, their relationship isn't romantic. They're professional. They're comrades. They look out for eachother, but they don't see one another in that light, _right?_ Erwin's never really given him a reason to believe that he feels that way, and why would he? Levi would go as far as to say that they’re friends, maybe even best friends, but nothing more.

Though Levi is sure that Hanji would get a kick out of the way that he tries desperately to convince himself of it as he soars back toward camp that afternoon.

Because what would they do, even if their relationship turned into something _more?_ Settle down in a small mountain cabin and live happily ever after? No, Levi could never see himself doing that, let alone Erwin. Even now, they wouldn't be able to afford themselves the time to love.

_Right?_

And still, it's not like Levi sees Erwin in that light anyway.

_Right?_


	9. Please Don't Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _When you fell, you fell towards me_   
> _When you crashed in the clouds, you found me_
> 
> _Oh, please don’t go_  
>  _I want you so_  
>  _I can’t let go_  
>  _For I lose control_  
>  \- [Please Don't Go](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJtHg9FbLUA) \- Barcelona

A day bleeds into a few rather quickly in the valley, and before they know it, Levi and the group have been staying there for almost an entire week already, only departing on one or two day missions at a time before returning to the little town with new information and maps drawn out. And while Levi notes that it might be easier to just keep heading west instead of wasting time backtracking, the air gets colder every single day, and the last thing they'd want is to get caught in an early winter snow storm with no shelter, out in the middle of the mountains.

So instead or embarking west - or north, or south, for that matter - they find themselves settling in the small town, only embarking on little missions here or there to map out the area. On the fourth day, after the horses have had some rest, Levi leads Erwin, Jean and Addi up the canyon, further than he's been before. It takes them almost two days to reach a decent stopping point before turning back, but when they do, it's definitely worth it.

The first day and a half of traveling through the canyon is rather uneventful, though. The first day, they pass the furthest point that Levi's traveled, but for the most part, the scenery is the same; all tall, steep canyon walls and sparse trees and river flowing to their left. And while it's beautiful, it doesn't necessarily make for an _interesting_ trip. But as Erwin insists, it's necessary. They're going to need to map out as many places as possible before _any_ civilians from inside the walls can expand into the mountains or any further west.

So the first day of traveling through the canyon is easy, but uneventful. The second day, however, they reach the other end of the canyon - the mouth of it, so to speak - and Levi is rendered speechless. It seems that no matter what they come across, no matter how far they travel, nothing can really prepare him for the surprising beauty that the mountains hold behind thick forests of trees, towering peaks and steep canyon walls.

By the time they make it to the mouth of the canyon, it's early afternoon on their second day of traveling, and Erwin makes the decision to set up camp there, instead of venturing into the valley below, despite how badly they may want to. Still, it doesn't stop the longing in Levi's chest when he looks down at the wide, open expanse of still-green grass and streams that crisscross the valley like veins. The valley goes as far as the eye can see, and Levi would have foolishly thought that they'd reached the other end of the mountain range if it weren't for the peaks off in the distance, shrouded by clouds and fog, many kilometers away. And behind those peaks are more, reaching higher up into the sky until they touch the clouds and disappear from view.

It's a remarkable sight, and it seems to go on forever.

"This is a trek that we'll have to make after winter," Erwin explains as the four of them set up a couple of small tents that afternoon, temporary shelter for that evening before they head back to their base camp - so to speak - the next day. "While it looks like there are still a couple of structures still standing in the valley, there's no saying if they're stable, or able to withstand winter, whereas the ones we're in now are."

Levi can't help the way he cocks his head to the side at Erwin's words, even as he helps him set up the tent. He doesn't say anything in response, but he does note that Erwin had mentioned - upon arriving in the small town earlier in the week - that they'd only stay there for a few days to recuperate, then head onward. Now, he can't help but wonder if Erwin has changed his mind.

And he can't help but wonder if he will, as well. He'd accepted the offer to travel with his old squad - his old _friends -_ because it sort of guaranteed that he wouldn't be staying in one spot for too long. That he wouldn't get _stuck_ , as he so irrationally feared. But now, with Erwin implying what he thinks he's implying...

He shakes the thought from his head. He must be mistaken. He decides that he'll discuss it with him later.

But he doesn't. Levi falls asleep rather quickly that evening, exhausted from their travels during the day. While it's still light out, he helps Erwin finish sketching out a map of the canyon, as well as a rough sketch of the valley and peaks before them, and by the time he lies down that night, he's out instantly. And he doesn't say anything the next morning, as the four of them gather their things, and he doesn't say anything as they start retracing their steps back through the canyon.

In fact, he doesn't even say anything when they get home that evening, due to being bombarded by Hanji and the others, excited to hear about what they found. And he doesn't even have the time or energy to say anything, even as Erwin follows him into the small cabin that night, collapsing on the mattress next to him.

They've been sharing the cabin since their first day in the small town, despite the fact that Erwin has had plenty of time to gather his things and find a place for himself to stay, and Levi hasn't said anything to him about _that_ , either. Maybe it's because he doesn't mind the company or the warm body next to his own when he falls asleep on cool autumn nights.

He tries not to think that _maybe_ it has something to do with what Hanji said to him on their first morning there. And he tries not to think about the fact that it's _Erwin's_ company that he enjoys. That it's  _Erwin's_ warm body that he finds himself pressed up against on cold nights.

* * *

 

On the morning of their eighth day in the small town in the valley, Levi and the squad wake up to snow. It's not much, just a thin sheet, blanketing the valley and the trees with their leaves, still trying so desperately to hang on, but it's cold enough to cut any missions that they'd had planned for the day short 

It's weird, seeing Erwin donning a thick, long military issued pea coat instead of his usual uniform - hell, it's weird seeing _anyone_ in the squad in anything but their usual dress - and while he doesn't say anything, Levi silently appreciates it. The only time he'd ever seen Erwin dressed down was when he'd been sitting, half alive in a hospital bed, just after losing his arm, and that really hadn't been a pleasant experience. This, however, is nice.

It's nice to sit around a small little campfire in the cool winter air and softly falling snow with Erwin in his long grey jacket, as well as Hanji and the others, just relaxing for once. Because for once, none of them have anything to say about _missions_ or working or even the all but forgotten _titans_. Instead, the small group sits around a little campfire that afternoon into the evening, exchanging small stories about home, talking about the amazing things they've seen so far, even though they've only been outside of the walls for a few months.

It's nice, but Levi can't help the way his fingers fidget at his sides, fists clenching and un-clenching as he listens to Connie talk about how he wishes his mother was there - how she'd love to settle down in a mountain town like this - or as Sasha chimes in, remarking on how much wildlife they've seen so far, insisting on going hunting in the next day or two. Levi can't help but shake the feeling now, months later, of urgency. Of the need to get up and _do_ something. And while it's nice to see his comrades - _his friends_ \- in such a normal light, he can't help but feel off.

And he can't help but wonder if he'll _keep_ feeling this way until they pack up and move on again. He can't help the worry that settles in his chest when he wonders if Erwin had been serious about staying in the small town until winter passes.

He's not sure if he can sit still - if he can _breathe_ and relax - for that long.

Still, he tries. He sits around the campfire with his friends, listening to them telling stories and laughing, noting that Erwin doesn't chime in either, just sitting quietly at his side. He finds himself wondering, glancing up at his commander, sitting to his left, if he has any stories to tell - stories that _aren't_ tainted by titans or the military or _war_. And he realizes, watching Erwin's face as he listens to _Hanji_ talking about her life before the Survey Corps, that he doesn't know all that much about him after all.

He's close with Erwin - hell, he might even go as far to say that the man is his best friend, if he were sentimental like that - but he doesn't really know anything about him. He knows that he was born into a moderately wealthy family, and he knows that his parents died when he was young, but that's about it. He knows when Erwin is sure of himself, leading others into battle, and when he's scared that he's going to lose his men, and he knows that Erwin really _does_ care when others die and their blood is on his hands, but...

But he doesn't know what his childhood was like or why he decided to join the Corps in the first place. He doesn't know if Erwin has ever loved anyone - if he ever dated before offering his life for the good of humanity - and he doesn't even know if he _has_ any loved ones back home. Hell, he doesn't know his favorite color, though if he had to guess, it would be the same color as the pendant on his bolo tie that he still wears underneath his long coat. And while those are small little trivial things, those are the kinds of things that Erwin knows about _him_.

He doesn't know a lot about his Commander, and suddenly, Levi feels guilty, sitting next to him with fidgeting hands and lowered eyes. Erwin knows everything about him, inside and out. He knows about his life before the Corps, though that's partially due to the fact that he's the one who _found_ him, but he also knows about Levi's childhood and when to leave him alone and when to pry. He knows how close Levi _really_ was with his squad before they died, and he knows how much their death had effected him. 

They’re close, and while Levi isn’t necessarily an open book, Erwin has taken the time to get to know him, to help him. He hadn't even deserved it, either. He'd been an asshole to Erwin from the get-go, but Erwin had been patient enough to give him time to open up. He'd given him a chance and gotten to know him when nobody else would and how does Levi repay him? By not returning the favor? Sure, he trusted - he _still_ trusts - Erwin unconditionally, but he'd never thought to ask him about himself. To get to know him in that aspect. And then he'd just up and left, as soon as he got the chance...

Levi grimaces to himself, promptly standing and excusing himself from the fire just as the sun finishes setting that evening, and nobody even bats an eyelash. Nobody but Erwin.

It's cold inside the little house without another body next to him, but Levi doesn't care as he kicks his boots off in the doorway, stomping any residual snow off of his pants and jacket before stepping into the main room. And then he's pausing, because even though it's only been a week, he's already started making the small house his home again. His military jacket and maneuver gear hang on hooks to his right, Erwin's jacket and a shirt alongside them, as if they belong there. And while he doesn't have many possessions, he finds that the ones he _does_ have - rifle, notebook, map - are all sitting in their respective places on the kitchen counter. He knows where all of his things - where all of _Erwin’s_ things - are located in the little cabin, and for some reason, that startles him.

He lights a few of the candles that are scattered around the kitchen and main room of the house - once again, little things that he and Erwin have done to make the place a little easier to live in, for the time being - and without thinking about, begins to gather his things.

He starts with his jacket and gear, folding it neatly before tossing it in one of his saddle bags that sits off to the side, leaning against a wall, then makes his way over to the kitchen counter, grabbing his pens and notebook. And then he pauses.

Levi can't help the way he stands in the center of the small room in the dimming light, staring down at the small, leather bound book in his hands. It's not _his_ notebook, it's Erwin’s, and the only way he can tell is the way that some of the pages stick out, as if they've been added or replaced, instead of sitting neatly in the spine as Levi's pages do. Absentmindedly, Levi opens the notebook to a random page, flipping through it slowly. Some pages look like his own, small, sketchy maps and scenery drawn out, while others have what looks like _journal_ entries scrawled out on them in light, shaky handwriting. And Levi can't help the way he smiles down at it, finger tracing over the pages. Erwin never really learned how to write properly with his left hand, after losing his right arm. It's gotten better over the years, but it looks like chicken scratch.

That's another thing he knows about Erwin. The man is stubborn.

And, as if on cue, Levi starts at the sound of the front door of the cabin opening, creaking on its hinges, before Erwin walks inside, kicking snow off of his boots. Levi drops the journal like it's on fire, setting it quickly back on the kitchen counter as he silently watches Erwin toe his boots off, letting them lazily fall next to where Levi's are propped neatly in the doorway.

"Tired already, old man?" Levi manages to ask when Erwin doesn't say anything at first, pulling his lone glove off with his teeth.

"Came to check on you, actually," Erwin admits with a small, tight smile, taking a few steps into the dimly lit room. The dying sunset still casts a little light in through the windows, but it's not much, and the candles only offer so much light.

Levi raises an eyebrow. "Why's that?"

Erwin shucks his coat off as he walks over, almost dropping it on the floor before glancing at Levi and deciding to hang it on its rightful place on a hook. He shrugs. "You seemed off," He suggests.

Levi huffs out a small breath at that. "I'm fine."

 And for a moment, Erwin just seems to drop it. He regards Levi quietly for only a moment more before looking down, reaching up with his good hand, unclasping his maneuver gear from his chest. The strap over his right shoulder falls off pretty easily, but the other is a little tougher to get off, especially with one arm, and Levi knows what's being asked of him before Erwin even opens his mouth.

"Can you-"

"Yeah," He mutters, taking a few steps back to hop onto the mattress, giving him a little bit of leverage, "Come here."

It's a routine that Levi is well accustomed to, helping Erwin out of his maneuver gear. He's been doing it ever since the other man lost his right arm, which is going on almost three years now, and he knows his gear like his own. Once Erwin is standing before him, back facing him, Levi leans down, helping him slide the strap down and off of his left arm before working on the back, loosening and unclasping until the leather straps and metal pieces finally fall down, hanging easily and loosely around his hips.

"Thank you," Erwin murmurs, reaching down to un-tuck his shirt, staying still in his spot. And normally, Levi would hop off of the bed and go about his business as usual, but _before_ Erwin walked in the house, he had been packing up his things for some reason, and now, he isn't sure what he _should_ be doing. So instead, he finds himself standing on the mattress, staring ahead at Erwin as he unbuttons his shirt, letting it fall down his shoulders and onto the floor.

And normally, he'd make some remark about Erwin making a mess, but maybe it's because he's still at a loss for what to do, or maybe it's because he can't help but stare - Hanji's words and his own thoughts echoing around in his head - but he still stands, watching as Erwin begins to undo the clasps around his hips and legs. It isn't until he finishes pulling the gear off of his legs and is holding it in his hand, turning to hang it up, that Levi says anything.

"Do you ever take that shit off?" He asks, eyeing the angry red marks that crisscross Erwin's back and shoulders as he crosses the room to hang his gear up. He leans down, grabbing a clean shirt from his bag and pulls it on, letting it hang open as he crosses the room to Levi again.

"I just did," Erwin replies, a small smile gracing his lips. He holds a pin up to Levi - where he stands, still on top of the mattress - and once again, Levi knows what to do without being asked. He reaches forward, holding the pin between his teeth, and rolls Erwin's right sleeve up, nice and neat until it's snug against the stump where his arm used to be.

Normally, he'd step back at that, admiring his work, but for some reason, just after he pushes the pin in through the fabric and closes it securely, he can't move, fingers frozen on the space where Erwin's arm used to be. It's not about his arm though. His mind is elsewhere.

Levi knows Erwin, better than anyone else. And though he doesn't know him as well as he found himself wishing he did, sitting around the campfire, he obviously knows him well enough to know what's being asked of him before the other man says anything. He knows how he takes his coffee and he knows what his favorite food is, and he knows that sometimes, Erwin forgets that he doesn't have both arms. Sometimes, he tries to overcompensate for it, putting too much strain on his mind and body. And other times, he knows when to ask for help. And Levi has always been there, willing to be his right hand, so to speak.

He suddenly feels horribly guilty, for even _considering_ packing up his things. What would he have done, anyway? Would he have just left without a word yet again, letting Erwin _worry_ about him, as Hanji had said? While he's still uncertain if what they have is _romantic_ , it doesn't change the fact that he and Erwin obviously have _something_. And he feels like an asshole for even thinking about leaving without a word, _again_.

He doesn't realize how long his fingers - and his eyes - linger for until Erwin's voice shakes him out of it.

"Levi?" He doesn't sound worried - maybe a little concerned - but mostly, curious.

He lets his hands fall to his sides at that, fingers clenching into fists, and glances up at Erwin, muttering out, "Yeah."

And at first, Erwin doesn't say anything. Instead, the other man's eyes just search his face, as if looking for an answer to a question he hasn't asked yet. Levi shifts uncomfortably under the gaze, and it isn't until he glances down, averting his eyes, that Erwin says something.

"Are you planning on leaving?"

Erwin _has_ always been able to read him like a book.

Levi swallows hard. It's a loaded question, and it's one that even _he_ doesn't know the answer to. He doesn't know if he wants to leave, or where he'd even go if he does. And he doesn't know _why_ he suddenly felt the urge to pack up his things and _go_ upon entering the small house.

He finds himself wondering if it's some form of fight or flight response. That maybe, part of him is just terrified of dealing with his own problems and emotions, and would rather leave the only people he cares about in the world than dealing with things. Because if he's being honest, he's been battling with his _feelings_ toward Erwin since he left the walls - hell, if he thinks about it, since _before_ he left the walls - it had just been Hanji who had the guts to call him out on it.

Because if he's being honest with himself, the only thing he thought about since leaving the walls had been Erwin, and now that the other man is in his life again, he's uncertain as to what to do about those thoughts. And Levi's natural reaction upon encountering something new - something he's uncertain about - is to either fight, or run away. He's been like that his entire life, if he really thinks about it.

And, as if to prove that, he avoids Erwin's question.

"Were you serious the other day?" He asks instead, "When you said that we were going to stay here until winter ends?"

It's been bothering him - terrifying him - since Erwin had implied it the other day, and Levi knows that he's chosen a shitty time to ask it, but he can't help it. Anything is better than admitting that he'd been about to run away yet again.

Erwin eyes him carefully for a moment, trying to solve the puzzle that is Levi, before shrugging, "We haven't discussed it yet, but more than likely, yes."

"Why?" Levi finds himself asking, and suddenly, he feels like a small child. Even as he stands, almost eye-level with Erwin with the way he stands on top of the mattress, he feels smaller than he ever has. "I thought we were only staying here for a week."

"I don't want to lose anyone if it can be avoided," Erwin answers, eyes hard on Levi's when he replies, "It would be reckless to keep going with winter approaching when we don't have proper equipment and no guarantee of shelter. We have a good base camp here."

"So we're just going to stay until spring?" 

"More than likely yes," Erwin repeats, but he studies Levi's face as he says the words, searching his hard, unreadable expression for something, before adding, "You don't have to stay, if you don’t want to, though."

Levi actually raises his eyebrows at that, Erwin’s words catching him off guard, "But-"

"I made it clear when you re-joined us that you could leave at any time," Erwin adds, before Levi has the chance to say anything, "While you've been a valuable asset to this mission and you're always welcome to stay with the Survey Corps, I won't stop you if you choose to leave."

And though Erwin isn't really the easiest person in the world to read, Levi sees right though his seemingly scripted, emotionless words. Maybe it's the talk he had with Hanji that helps, or maybe it's because he _knows_ the man in front of him, but Levi knows that what he's saying isn't the truth. That he's holding back what he really wants to say. He's lying.

And Levi knows because, well, it takes one to know one.

"That's bullshit," Levi mutters before he has a chance to censor himself, "Tell me what you really think."

Apparently, it's now or never. It's not really how he expected this conversation with Erwin to go, but he's been skirting around the topic of it for a while now, and he decides that now is a better time than ever, or else he'll never say anything.

Erwin arches an eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

"I'll be honest with you, but you need to be honest with me," Levi mutters, and he can't help but feel strong from where he stands, at eye level with Erwin. Maybe it helps a little, or maybe it's just all in his head. Either way, as soon as he starts talking, he can't stop. He hasn't had a legitimate conversation with Erwin about _this_ since he left, and well, it's long overdue.

"I don't know if I want to leave," He hears himself saying, "I don't even know if I wanted to leave when I did before, either. But I was scared. I still am, and I'm not even sure of what. I don't know if it's because I'm scared to end up in one spot or if I'm scared that I'll be useless to you now that there's no job for me to do, but I'm trying my best to figure that out."

And when Levi finally finishes, taking a deep breath, he's surprised that Erwin doesn't say anything in return. In fact, he doesn't even open his mouth to speak, instead, he just watches Levi with his careful, calculating, icy eyes, and apparently, that strikes something in Levi, because he's suddenly going off again.

"I know we need to talk about this, and I've been putting it off, but you could at least spare me the same honesty I'm giving you," Levi spits, eyes narrowing as he looks at Erwin. His fists clench at his sides, and suddenly, he realizes that he's angry, fuming when he speaks because _Erwin won't say anything_ and here he is, opening up to the other man like he always has.

And still, Erwin is silent. He just watches Levi, eyes cold and calculating, and Levi almost opens his mouth to speak again before Erwin _finally_ says something, cutting his thoughts short.

"I don't want you to leave, Levi," He says, and Levi notices that his own fist is clenched at his side as well. He finds himself wondering how long it's been like that, but then Erwin is speaking again, "I don't want you to, but I'm not going to stop you if you do."

"Why the hell not?" Levi finds himself biting out through gritted teeth.

Erwin shrugs, "I'm not your Commander anymore. I can't make you do _anything_."

_But I'd do it if you asked,_ Levi finds himself thinking.

He doesn't voice it, however.

"But you want me to stay," He decides to go with instead. It's not a question, but for some reason, Levi needs that reassurance. He needs to know that he - that Hanji - isn't imagining things. That they have _something_ , even if it isn't something romantic. Even if it _is_.

"Yes," Erwin replies, and his voice is steady, sure.

Levi is silent for a beat, studying Erwin's face before asking, "Why?"

And when Erwin replies, it catches him off guard. Maybe it's because he had asked for honesty, but hadn't expected it, or maybe it's because he hadn't expected things to escalate so quickly, but either way, he can't help the tightness in his chest when Erwin answers -

"Because I don't want to lose you again."

And Levi's not sure how it happens, but it happens fast. One moment, he's standing on the mattress, all clenched fists and narrowed eyes, and the next Erwin is answering his question. Then suddenly, he's falling forward, hands gripping the open ends of Erwin's shirt. He doesn't even realize that he's moved until he feels Erwin's hand on his back, his heat radiating off of his chest, and while he distantly realizes that he should move - that they should talk about _this_ , whatever it is - he finds that he can't.

Instead, Levi lets his fingers curl around the surprisingly familiar fabric of Erwin's shirt. Instead, he lets himself suck in a few deep, calming breaths, inhaling his scent.

_I don’t want to be lost again,_ he thinks, but doesn’t say.

Instead, he lets himself breathe, even if just for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I've been so excited to get this chapter up! They finally sort of talk about things! Hope you liked it :]


	10. Let Somebody Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger_  
>  _Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home_  
>  _And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'_  
>  _Your prison is walking through this world all alone_  
>  \- [Desperado](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KG1wAjZ--E) \- Eagles
> 
> A/N: This chapter is definitely a filler, but I felt it was necessary to show just a little bit more of Levi's thought process and growth before diving into anything else. I promise that the next chapter will be worth the wait, though! I'll hopefully have it up soon because I don't want to keep you hanging for too long, haha.

They don't talk about things, at least not at first.

They don't talk about the way that Levi collapses into Erwin's arms that night - not for the first time since the two have known one another - and they don't talk about the way the Erwin seems to expect it, catching him with an open arm, fingers softly stroking the soft hairs at the base of his neck as he calms down. They don't talk about the way that Levi sucks in quick, short breaths, on the verge of tears, and they don't talk about how Erwin soothes him, breath warm and soft against his hair, even though Levi is uncertain what he’s almost crying about.

They don't talk about how the two of them fall into bed that night, Erwin with his shirt still unbuttoned, hanging around his shoulders, and Levi, distraught and fully clothed, even with his jacket still on. Levi finds himself clinging to Erwin, long before they fall asleep, and they don't talk about it. While it's because they don't want to or don't need to, Levi isn't certain.

_Because I don't want to lose you again._

Erwin's words echo around in Levi's mind until he falls asleep that night. They echo around in his mind when he leans into the warmth that is Erwin's body next to him, and they echo around in there when he feels the other man drape an arm around his waist.

They have _something_ , that's for sure, but what it is they have exactly, Levi isn't certain.

If he really thinks about it, he can't imagine life without Erwin. He can't imagine what his life would have been like had Erwin Smith not stepped into it - had Erwin not made that deal with him - all of those years ago. He tries, but he can't imagine himself still living in the sewers, in the dirty cities underneath the capital.

No, he can't imagine that, because when Erwin had reached out to him that day, he had given him his freedom. He may not have known it - hell, Levi hadn't even known it until the day that the finally defeated the titans - but Erwin had changed his life. Erwin had changed _him_. And it was all for the better.

Erwin had been a bright light, in the midst of so much darkness, and he still is. He still is, even as he lies next to Levi in the small cabin, battle-worn and scarred, old and tired.

Erwin is a bright light. Erwin is hope. And most of all - if Levi is being sentimental - Erwin is his best friend.

If he were the kind of man to throw around such words as love, Levi might even say that he loves Erwin Smith, for everything that he's done for him. For everyone, for humanity.

So yeah, Hanji is right, he does feel _something_ for Erwin. He always has. He knows that now, lying next to him in the cool darkness of the cabin. And while he's uncertain what exactly Erwin's words meant - _I don't want to lose you again -_ he knows that he'll find out, one way or another, in the coming days.

But the two of them had never had the time - had never had the luxury - to talk about such things as their feelings for one another. It had always been life or death. Trust Erwin unconditionally, or die. Levi realizes now, that he still trusts the man lying next to him unconditionally, even when his life isn't on the line.

They have _something_. Levi is sure of that much. And while it's a new feeling for him - everything is new for them right now - he can't deny that it feels good. It feels good to know that Erwin cares for him. It feels good to know that Erwin had worried about him, that he could still be important to him, even after all of the titans had gone and there was nothing else to fight for. And it feels good, having Erwin's body pressed up against his own on the small mattress.

And while he's certain that he still has plenty to work out in his head, Levi knows, though he's on the verge of sleep and his thoughts are jumbled, that he's on to something. That this - the man next to him - could be the start of something good.

Because despite the guilt that still sits, dull and low in his stomach, Erwin gives him hope. Erwin makes him feel free.

Erwin makes him feel loved.

They don't talk about things, though. At least not for a few days.

Erwin is set to go out on a mission with Hanji and Jean and a couple of the newer recruits the next morning, and he's already getting ready for that by the time that Levi wakes up. By the time that Levi blinks his eyes open, sun shining in through the eastern window, Erwin is just buttoning his shirt and tightening his bolo tie. Because of course, he still wears the damn thing, even out here.

He steps into his maneuver gear, and before he even has the chance to say anything, straps hanging around his hips, Levi already knows what to do. He's standing - still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes - and stepping up onto the mattress as he had the night before, and looking down at Erwin, waiting for him to step in front of him.

The other man stills though, just for a moment, sparing him a quick, curious look, before stepping into place, back turned.

"We're just checking out the town that you went to on your first expedition," Erwin explains, even though Levi doesn't ask as he adjusts the clasps across his back. "So we shouldn't be gone too long."

Levi nods, short and sharp, "Sounds good."

He finishes adjusting the straps of the maneuver gear, accenting it with a smart snap of leather on Erwin's shoulders, and the other man turns at that, facing him as he secures the strap across his chest. He looks at Levi as if he wants to say something - or as if he wishes he could read his mind, he can't tell - before nodding himself, as if shaking himself out of it.

"I'll see you later then," He says, but as the words leave his lips, even _Levi_ can tell that he wants to say something else. He doesn't, however, and Levi doesn't pry.

Instead, he just mutters out a soft, "Be careful," which earns a small, knowing smile from Erwin.

* * *

 

The day is long and easy, even if Levi does feel _off_ just sitting around and resting, taking a day off. It gives him time to think about Erwin and their conversation the night before and his _feelings_ toward him and the whole situation. It gives him time to think about a lot of things.

One of the first things he learned about Erwin upon joining the Corps was that he didn't like to get too close to anyone, let alone date, because on top of the lack of time to worry about such things, he was uncertain when he - or they - would die. And it was fair. Nobody had ever pestered him about it, as they shouldn't. Levi had sort of felt the same way, though he has to admit, he never really had the time or patience to think about romantic prospects while fighting titans and saving humanity and all...

But now... _Now_ , he wonders if things have changed. Hell, he _knows_ that Erwin has changed, he knew it the moment he’d laid eyes on him in the church in that lakeside town.

And after all, Erwin had said it himself, lying under the stars with Levi a few weeks ago -

_You've never taken the time to look._

And while he'd been talking about the stars then, obviously, Levi realizes that his words could apply to many things. For instance, he hadn't taken the time to notice the beauty of the grass and the flowers on his way to the mountains his first time around, because he had been in such a hurry.  And he hadn't taken the time to look for someone - to even _think_ about someone else - before. To be fair, he hadn't _had_ the time, but now?

_Now_ , he can't help the way his mind lingers on Erwin. On the moments they've shared together. On the years they've spent working together, fighting together, getting to know one another. While it hadn't been intentional, Levi had found a friend in his Commander; someone he could talk to and trust. Someone he could _be himself_ around, and it was alright.

He's never given himself the chance to think about romantic prospects - something so small and trivial - but if he had to choose anyone, he supposes it would be Erwin.

Erwin, who'd given him a chance when nobody else would. Who held out his hand and helped him, who freed him from the underground cage of a city and gave him something to _fight_ for. Something to believe in. Erwin, who'd taken the time to get to know him, to accept him for who he was, regardless of his past or his background or his flaws, however many of them he may have. Erwin, who's saved his life on countless occasions, without even expecting so much as a _thank you_ , because it came natural to him.

Erwin, who'd accepted him back into his life so easily, as if he'd done nothing wrong when he ran off on his own without even so much as a goodbye or a reason why. Who welcomed him back with an open heart, despite his own flaws and shortcomings.

Suddenly, sitting outside of the cabin, sharpening the blades on his maneuver gear, Levi's chest feels heavy. It hits him all at once, and though he tries to shake it away, he can't. Nor does he want to, if he really thinks about it.

He takes a breath.

* * *

 

Still, they don't talk about things. 

Two days pass after their talk in the small cabin. Two days pass after Erwin's admission - _I don't want to lose you -_ and Levi collapsing into his arms, and they still don't talk about things.

It's not that they're avoiding it by any means, though. Erwin and his team get back later in the day than they expected on the first day, their mission to the small neighboring town having taken a little longer than they expected because Hanji had wanted to take a detour. And the second day, Levi opts to go hunting with Sasha, figuring that he's pretty useless with a rifle - it's just _not the same_ as the maneuver gear, it doesn't come as natural - and decides that he could use some practice.

The third day, however, the squad doesn't have much planned. They spend the majority of the nice, warmer day cleaning out any of the houses that they haven't already claimed, fixing things that might need fixing, and while it's a nice change of pace, Levi can't help the anxiety swarming around in his chest. While he's _trying_ to take a breath and let things linger for a bit, he feels that there's more to their conversation - more that they haven't said - and he needs to talk to Erwin.

Hell, it's probably the first time in his life that Levi has _wanted_ to initiate a serious conversation with someone. Especially about something so trivial. Maybe he really is changing.

He shakes that thought away though, just as the sun finishes going down on the third day - as the group is gathering around a fire, Sasha cooking some of the meat from hunting the day before - and grabs Erwin's wrist, stopping him just before they join the group. And he has something planned to say, _he really does_ , but when Erwin turns around and looks at him with curious eyes, it all goes right out the window. He doesn't say anything, but the look that Erwin gives him lets him know to _speak_ , and he stammers.

"I-" He starts, staring up at his Commander with wide eyes. Normally, this would be easy -

_Hey Erwin, we need to talk. Specifically about my feelings. For you._

_-_ but it doesn't quite come out. The words catch on the tip of his tongue. He clears his throat.

"There's uh," He mutters, "There's a place, that I'd like to check out tomorrow. If you don't have any other expeditions planned."

Erwin's brows pull together in confusion for a moment, as if he's trying to figure out Levi's motive, before he asks, "Was it one of the places on the map?"

"Kind of," Levi replies. He drops Erwin's wrist suddenly, realizing that he's been holding onto it for too long, and his hand takes its place behind his back. "I haven't quite gotten the chance to scope it out yet, but it looks promising, and I'd like your opinion on it, before we send anyone out there."

Erwin nods at that, short, simple. "Alright," He agrees, "Just the two of us?"

"Yeah. It shouldn't take too long," Levi mutters.

"Sounds good," Erwin replies, offering him a small smile. And that's the end of it. That's the end of their _big discussion_. Erwin is walking off at that, joining the group beside the campfire, and Levi is mentally kicking himself because _since when did he get so soft?_ He's so used to knowing the right thing to do, the right thing to say, but not in this situation. Not now. It's new terrain for him, and he can't help but wonder, glancing at Erwin from across the fire that evening, if it is for him too.


	11. Stick Around (I Want You Next To Me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Maybe I go because I'm chasing something_   
>  _Maybe I go because something is chasing me_   
>  _Maybe I leave because I've yet to find someone_   
>  _To look me in the face..._   
>  _And say_
> 
> _Stick Around_  
>  _I want you next to me_  
>  _Stick Around_  
>  _There ain't no reason for leaving_  
>  _The road's been hard boy but I'll never bring you down_  
>  _Stick Around_  
>  \- [Stick Around](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCdJst7_VF4) \- David Ramirez  
> (Or go listen to the really gorgeous acoustic version [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vr2yqxRh1uw) because it will make you want to cry with feels about these two old men. I'm serious this song is amazing)
> 
> A/N:  
> HOLY CRAP A DOUBLE UPDATE.  
> I was way too excited to get this chapter up, and I didn't want to wait until next week, so surprise! This was hands down, my favorite chapter to write, and might just be my favorite chapter of anything that I've ever written. I hope all of the build up and Levi not knowing what he wants is worth it!  
> :]

Levi awakes to the familiar and warm smell of coffee on the morning of the fourth day after his small, emotional talk with Erwin. Twelve days after arriving in the small mountain town with his squad, and five months after leaving the walls for the first time.

He blinks his eyes open, light filtering in through the now familiar window of the small cabin, and sits up. Erwin stands on the other end of the room, kicking some excess snow off of his boots before glancing up and smiling softly - easily - in Levi's direction. He crosses the room, two cups of coffee balanced between his fingers, handing one carefully over to Levi.

"Hey, you're getting pretty good at that," He finds himself muttering, a small smirk playing on his lips as he takes his cup, leaning in for a sip.

Erwin chuckles, "I manage."

To be fair, he does more than manage. He's fought harder, killed more titans, and accomplished more with one hand than most men dream to achieve with two. He's strong; the strongest person Levi knows.

He sits on the edge of the mattress, keeping Levi quiet company as he wakes up, sipping on the hot liquid. And for a few moments, Levi appreciates the silence as he plans out their day in his head. It shouldn't take long to get to that small outcropping of rock - he'd been there a small handful of times when he'd stayed in the cabin the first time - and it wouldn't take long for Erwin to help him assess how far - how worth it - the beautiful meadow so far away is. 

And then, you know, he'll just spring it on him. Totally. He can do this.

"So where are we going today?" Erwin asks lightly, glancing at Levi from where he sits at the foot of the mattress. He looks curious, maybe even a little excited, and that excites Levi a little, too. To be honest, he's been dying to share his favorite place (so far) to someone, and who better than Erwin to see it first? Because it just feels  _right_  to take Erwin there.

"Not too far," Levi explains, "Just a little bit west. We're not necessarily _going_ anywhere, I just want to show you something."

And he may be mistaken, but he spies just a small flicker of a smile on Erwin's lips at his words. It's gone after a moment, though, and then he's speaking. "Well as soon as you're ready, I am. Hanji is going to stay here and pick up where we left off with the houses the other day."

Levi nods, "I'll get ready."

After they finish their coffee, Erwin slips out the front door, allowing Levi the privacy to dress by himself, and he appreciates it. He appreciates the time he has to think as he pulls on a clean shirt and dirty pants - he really should wash them soon - as well as his maneuver gear. The straps fit easily into place, despite the fact that he hasn't worn it in a few days, and when Levi walks out the front door late that morning, he feels at home in his usual attire, complete with Survey Corps jacket.

It's a nice day out, the snow from a few days prior having all but melted in the sunlight, and he probably doesn't even need the jacket, but it just _feels_ _right_. It also helps Levi feel strong and confident, though he doesn't think about that.

He and Erwin leave by mid afternoon, heading west after explaining to Hanji that they'll be back shortly, and by the time the sun is high and warm in the sky, they're soaring through tall pine trees, cool fall air whipping around them. For a second, Levi allows himself to get lost in the moment. Because for a second, it feels just like it had before, soaring through the air, Erwin at his side, only without the urgency.

It's a good feeling, a _free_ feeling, flying through the trees with him again.

Levi leads the way, zigzagging in between the pines, Erwin close at his heels. And while he's not quite certain how far they need to go, he knows it's getting close when they've been in the air for fifteen minutes, eyes scanning the horizon. And just before he starts to worry - _oh god_ , what if he doesn't remember where it is - Levi spies the small clearing through a gap in the trees off to his left.

"This way," He calls, signaling to Erwin, and swings to the side easily, watching the other man do the same out of the corner of his eye. Despite the fact that he has modified maneuver gear now - and the fact that he controls it with just one hand - Erwin swings through the trees just as easily as Levi, years of experience and training and pure _will_ giving him an upper hand. It reminds Levi again, as they near the clearing, why Erwin was referred to as _Humanity's Hope_.

The outcropping of rock comes into view quickly, and Levi puts an arm out as he slows down and swings to his feet, signaling for Erwin to do the same. Thankfully, the man catches his command and lands just as easily as him at his side. And then they're both looking out over the same magnificent view that Levi had discovered months ago.

The cool fall breeze is a bit stronger out in the open, without the shelter of the pine trees, but it's nothing too bad. It's not enough to ruin the view or the moment, as they both gaze out west.

And for a few moments, it's silent.

The view is just as beautiful as Levi remembers, if not even more surreal dusted in a soft sheet of white snow from the other day. Just the tops of the pine trees twinkle in the sunlight, and from where they stand, Levi can see some snow circling the outer edges of the valley, the parts of it that are hidden from the sun by the shadow of the mountain. It's nowhere near cold enough for the lake to freeze over just yet, but Levi finds himself wondering what it will look like when it does. He imagines that it would be like glass, a mirror reflecting the shape of the mountains towering over it.

"It's something, huh?" Levi finds himself saying, the first to break the silence.

" _Yeah_ ," Erwin murmurs at his side, "It is."

Levi glances at him at that and he can't help the smile that creases his lips when he does so, because he knows that Erwin looks the same way that he must have upon discovering this view the first time. His eyes are wide, jaw slack, body relaxed. Because even _Erwin Smith_ , 13th Commander of the Survey Corps, can't deny how beautiful the sight is.

Levi gives him another moment to take it all in, opting for taking a seat on the edge of the outcropping, legs hanging over the side, before he says anything. "Do you think we can make it there?"

Erwin takes the cue to sit as well, close to Levi's right side, then follows his gaze once more, out over the trees and the vast expanse of land in front of them. They've seen plenty of remarkable sights so far, but Levi can't help the surge of pride at Erwin's reaction to this particular one. If they could stay here all day, Levi would want to.

"Yeah," Erwin finally replies, shaking Levi out of his thoughts, "I think so."

"How long of a trip would it be?" Levi asks in return.

Erwin sighs at that, eyes scanning the land as if he's actually trying to calculate it in his head, before he answers. "It'll be hard, without the supply wagon, if we decide to just take a straight shot. And there's no guarantee that we'd make it there without needing extra gas for the gear..."

"So we could scope out the area?" Levi suggests. Though the outcropping of rock that they sit on now hangs over tall trees, and the drop is a pretty large one, there's got to be another way down or around, right? Certainly, they could find some sort of path, or _make_ some sort of path for a supply wagon to get through.

"We could, but that'll take time, too," Erwin replies. The tone of his voice suggests that it pains him to say it, but Levi still can't help but be a little disappointed. He wants to make it to that lake. To that little clearing at the base of the mountain. And he knows it seems like an odd goal, but it's like it's calling his name.

"What do you suggest?" Levi asks after a few beats of silence. After all, he trusts Erwin's judgment.

"We can try to find a way to get there without maneuver gear," He starts, gazing out over the horizon, "Or we could wait, and make our way there from the canyon."

"But the canyon takes us north," Levi counters, remembering clearly his trip through it the week prior.

"Northwest," Erwin corrects gently, "But maybe by that route, we could find an easier way to get there through that valley we found. There'd be plenty of places to regroup and scout out while heading that way."

Levi nods once, quick and hard. Of course, the canyon would make an easier path. They'd be able to get the wagon through with no problems, and while it would spit them out a little bit north of the lake, they'd always be able to backtrack south once outside of the canyon. The only problem is, he'd have to wait until after winter, as Erwin had said.

And while he'd already been considering - almost intent - on staying now, it's still a hard truth. Levi had been looking forward to that small valley and the lake. It could have been something to keep him occupied, to keep him working hard while he waited for winter to end.

"So we'll have to wait until spring," Levi mutters.

"If you're planning on staying," Erwin returns, and it _almost_ catches Levi off guard. Almost, except for the fact that they haven't really talked about _things_ , specifically Levi's departure, or lack thereof, for days now.

Levi swallows hard. After all, he'd brought Erwin out here for more than one reason, and one of those was to talk about things. He just hadn't expected the other man to be the one to bring it up.

Though to his surprise, his answer comes quick, easy. He's had days (months, actually) to think about it.

"I'm staying," He murmurs softly. And for a moment, that's that. Erwin doesn't say anything in response and Levi doesn't add anything onto his answer, and for a moment, it's silent. It's silent, save for the soft chirping of a few birds down in the trees, and the sound of the air blowing through the mountains. It's like a song, cool and calming, and Levi almost allows himself to get lost in it.

 _Almost_ , until he feels Erwin's hand on his own.

It's a soft, careful touch, just Erwin’s fingers overlapping his own, but it's _something_. It's _something_ , and the connection practically sets Levi's veins on fire, igniting his body, sending sparks through his skin.

He glances down to where their hands touch, then up to Erwin's face. The other man still gazes off into the distance, but somehow, Levi _knows_. He knows what the touch means, even without a look or a word from Erwin, and he knows what it means when he doesn't pull away from it. It means the same thing it did almost five years ago, when Levi had held Erwin’s hand at his bedside, just after he’d lost his arm, fingers intertwined. And while he hadn’t known it then, he does now.

It's quiet for a couple of long moments, Levi quickly trying to work out the thoughts in his head. Fleeting memories of Erwin, soaring through the trees at his side, Erwin, sparing him a reassuring glance upon his first outing with his squad, Erwin reaching a hand out to him when nobody else would. _Erwin_ , holding him close as he grieved for his friends, Erwin, eyes bright despite so many losses, telling him that they'd won. That they'd done it. _That they were free._

He swallows the lump in his throat, turning his hand over underneath Erwin's to run a thumb across the other man's calloused knuckles. He slides his fingers easily in between Erwin’s, and they fit seamlessly, as if they belong there.

"Has it always been this way?" He asks softly, voice quiet in his ears. For a moment, he fears that it'll float away in the wind, lost in a bird's song, but Erwin catches it. He always does.

"For me," He replies, just as soft, easy, "Yes."

But despite how quietly he says it, Erwin's words hit Levi like a ton of bricks. The confirm everything that he's been thinking about over the past few days, weeks, months - years, if he really thinks about it - and while Levi can't help the warm surge that flows through him at his Commander's admission, he also can't help the empty guilt, still at the pit of his stomach.

Because for Erwin, it's _always_ been this way. For Erwin, he's always felt this way. While it's something new for Levi - because he's never really had the chance to think about _love_ until now - it's always been there for Erwin. Underneath everything, it's always been there.

Levi can't help but wonder for how long -

Had it been a slow build? Had he only realized in the past year? Had it been when he'd finally given in, finally decided to trust Erwin? Or, had it been sudden, when they’d first met?

\- but he doesn't ask that. He doesn't want to - doesn't deserve to know - not now.

Instead, he finds himself holding his breath, trying to find the right words, before asking, "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

Because it's a fair question, right? Because even though Levi hadn't had the time for fleeting kisses or petty romances or _love_ , things could have been different, had it been Erwin, right? Because maybe, he could have been the exception.

"There was never the time," Erwin answers simply, his words echoing Levi's thoughts.

Of course. Of course there'd never been the time. They hadn't earned the time to worry about petty things like relationships or lovers. They were fighting for the good of humanity, and that was important. The most important thing in the world. More important than hand holding and sightseeing.

But _now_? They have the time now, right? Now that the titans are gone, now that they’re free, outside the walls, with the big open world in front of them...

And then it hits Levi hard. He'd left so suddenly, after they'd won. He'd left so quickly without a word, without a goodbye to Erwin. And while it's in the past, and it's so very, very, petty, Levi can't help but wonder _what if?_ What if he had listened to Erwin and stayed a few weeks? What if he wouldn't have gotten anxious and left the next morning?

What if Erwin had been planning on telling him, but never had his chance because he'd gone so quickly?

And while, if he hadn't left, they wouldn't be sharing this moment right here, right now, he has to ask.

"And when I left?" The question is quiet, barely above a whisper, but Levi knows that Erwin hears him. He always does, after all. His thumb runs anxiously along Erwin's knuckles, anticipating his response, but the other man doesn't return the movement.

And when Erwin doesn't say anything in response at first, Levi speaks again, the guilt rising up in his chest too much.

"I'm sorry," He mutters, voice thick in his throat, "That I left. I didn't mean to go without seeing you, I just - I was scared and-"

"It's alright," Erwin replies immediately, easily. He squeezes Levi's hand as if to prove it, before adding, "You needed to go, and I wasn't going to be the one to stop you. I couldn't be the one to hold you back."

And while the guilt subsides slightly, Levi can't deny the impact that Erwin's words have on him. Because _of course_ the other man already knew how he was feeling - that he was scared and anxious. Sometimes, Erwin knew him better than he knew himself.

But still...

 _But still_ , he finds himself wondering why Erwin hadn't said anything when he'd returned. When they'd met back up in that small lakeside town. Or why he didn't say anything one night, as the two of them sat alone beneath the stars. It's a selfish question to wonder - to think - but he can't help it.

"Then why haven't you said anything?" Levi asks, voicing his own thoughts. His words come easier now, talking to Erwin like this. They always have. "Even now?"

Erwin turns to look at him at that, meeting his gaze. "Like I said, Levi," He answers, voice soft, "I don't want to lose you. Not again."

"But-" Levi starts, but he can't bring himself to finish.

_But what if I had left again? Would you have just let me go? But why didn't you stop me in the first place, if you were so scared of losing me?_

They're selfish questions. Erwin shouldn't have to explain himself, and Levi doesn't want him to, so he doesn't ask.

But then, Erwin is speaking again, answering Levi's unasked questions as if he could hear his thoughts. "I wanted what was right for you," He says, turning his gaze back out over the mountains again. Levi, however, doesn't. His eyes are fixed on Erwin as he talks. "I wanted you to be happy, even if it meant you not knowing."

And just when Levi thinks he's done speaking - done explaining - Erwin adds, voice quiet, but still very there, "I'd use all of my energy to love you, Levi, even if you didn't love me back."

And _that_ hits Levi harder than anything.

Suddenly, a lifetime of could have - _should have_ \- beens flash through his mind.

_Erwin, reaching out a reassuring hand on one of Levi's first missions as Captain at his side. Erwin, using both hands to tilt his chin up and lean down, kissing him passionately against the wall of his office._

_He sees times that he could have held Erwin after particularly hard battles, after he'd lost many men, despite the fight they'd all put up. And he sees moments that he could have shared with him, comforting him, telling him it wasn't his fault when he'd lost some of the first members of his squad - men and women he'd joined the Corps with. Times he should have held him, but didn't._

_He sees Erwin, crawling over his body, lust low in his eyes. Erwin, stretching him out, pinning both of his hands over his head while he leans down, pressing a hot kiss to his lips._

_Erwin, holding him in his arms, all of those times they'd shared a bed but dared not to get too close._

And then those moments are gone. They can't happen, not now, not ever. And maybe they'll have new moments, maybe they'll be able to create new memories, but it doesn't stop the heaviness that Levi feels in his chest when he realizes that Erwin has felt this for _so long_ and so strong, that he's willing to use the word _love_ without a single bit of hesitation.

He swallows hard, looking up at him. Looking up at the way that Erwin stares out over the horizon with hope in his eyes. And while he hasn't felt it for as long, Levi hopes that he feels it just as strong. Because Erwin _makes_ him feel strong. Erwin makes him feel free.

"And what if I did?" He asks finally, after a long beat of silence, "What if I did love you back?"

Erwin turns to look down at him again at that, studying him for a long moment before a small, almost unnoticeable smile graces his face.

"That would be something," He returns softly.

And at that, Levi finally allows himself to give in. At that, he leans in, one hand reaching out and softly gripping the bolo tie that still hangs easily around Erwin's neck, pulling him down, meeting him halfway for a long, slow, much awaited kiss.

Erwin's lips are soft, gentle, and they press back against Levi's easily, slotting against his own perfectly, as if they're meant to be there. Levi goes to reach up with his other hand, to run it through Erwin's hair or touch his face or _something_ , but the other man stops him halfway, lacing their fingers together instead. He moves them forward, down until both of their fists are pressing against Levi's chest. And then, Levi's own fingers are tightening around Erwin's, as he recites the words in his head -

_I offer my heart._

\- and presses deeper into the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I've been so excited to post this chapter! Finally, the build up is worth it haha. Let me know what you think!


	12. Make You Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _You know I'm gonna find a way to let you have your way with me_  
>  _You know I'm gonna find a time to catch your hand and make you stay_  
>  _I don't care what clothes you wear, it's time to love and I don't care_  
>  _You know I'm gonna find a way to let you have your way with me_  
>  \- [Find A Way](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KxKgLnlpR8) \- Safetysuit
> 
> (I also kept listening to [Violin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5raMzavYgE) by Amos Lee while writing this chapter. It's really pretty)
> 
> IT'S THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! THE RATING HAS FINALLY CHANGED TO EXPLICIT.  
> But for real, I really hope you all like this chapter. I've never really written a sex scene as soft and as tender as this one, so I really hope I did it justice.   
> Just one more chapter left! Thanks for sticking with this long ride, everyone!

Erwin's gaze, his touch, his kiss, are all welcomed with open arms by Levi when they return to the small cabin in the mountainside that evening. They stay on the cliff overlooking the meadow and the lake and the mountains for another hour after they kiss - after _everything -_ in a soft, comfortable silence. And after that, they head back to the small mountainside town, hearts warm, heads high.

Erwin describes the meadow to Hanji and the others when they return, and that evening around dinner, he explains his plan to stay in the small town until winter passes, then head out through the canyon and west in the spring. And when nobody objects, not even Levi, the plan is set in stone.

And that evening, when the two of them retire to the little cabin, it's with ease. Things finally feel right, finally feel _easy_ as the two of them step into the house, kicking their boots off in the doorway. Levi helps Erwin with his jacket and maneuver gear, and Erwin helps him with his, even though he doesn't need it. The touch is welcome, though, as is the low-lidded gaze that Erwin gives him as he pulls the leather straps of his maneuver gear down and off of his chest. And then he's leaning down, his hand tilting Levi's chin up, and kissing him, soft and passionately, in the dim lamp light of the cabin.

And it feels easy, kissing Erwin. It feels easy, Levi leaning up on his toes, hands firmly planted against the other man's chest, as he deepens the kiss. It feels easy, as Erwin walks him slowly and carefully backward toward the mattress, weeks and months and years worth of frustration and pent up feelings and _love_ coming through his kiss and his touch and the way he looks at Levi when they part.

They're both breathless by the time Levi finds himself sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Erwin pull the remainder of his gear off, setting it to the side. And normally, Levi would chastise him - _it'll get tangled if you don't hang it, Erwin_ \- but he doesn't say anything now. He can't bring himself to care, especially when Erwin is moving up his body, cradling his face in his hand again and pressing yet another kiss to his lips.

"How did you manage to wait for this?" Levi hears himself mutter in a soft voice when they part again. His lips brush against Erwin's when he speaks, and it's a feeling he could easily get used to. "I would have lost it."

Erwin chuckles against him, breath warm, and Levi can't help but peck his lips a couple of times before he allows him to respond. "Let's just say it was worth the wait," He murmurs quietly in return.

And Levi _would_ roll his eyes, if it weren't for the way that Erwin's crawling over him now, legs straddling his hips. And maybe it's moving a little fast, but Levi's never been one to take things slow. "That's fucking cheesy," He grumbles, and before Erwin can shoot anything in return, he's fisting his hand gently in his Commander's hair and pulling him down for another kiss. It’s slow and passionate and warm, and Erwin tastes good - tastes like _home_ \- in his mouth, and Levi realizes, as he kisses him, that he'll be happy if he never kisses anyone else. As _cheesy_ as it sounds.

They fall into bed together that night, all warm hands and hot kisses and soft touches, and Levi realizes, as Erwin sits up after a few minutes, undoing his bolo tie and setting it on the ground next to the mattress, that he wouldn't have it any other way. He moves quickly, mimicking Erwin's actions, until he's sitting up as well, their bodies pressed together, and reaches forward, his hands on Erwin's shirt. " _Let me_ ," He murmurs softly, and Erwin doesn't argue, his hand dropping to his side as Levi slowly and carefully unbuttons his shirt.

And maybe it's a little much, a little fast, but Levi can't help it. Not as he follows his movements carefully with his lips, making sure to pay special attention to the little puckered scars that litter Erwin's chest and shoulders. He pushes the shirt carefully off of him once it's opened, then leans forward again, catching both Erwin and himself off guard, when he reaches for the place where his right arm used to be, instead of his chest or face or body. Instead, Levi finds himself leaning forward, pressing a soft kiss on Erwin's right shoulder, then another on his bicep, another on the scarred end of his arm. He kisses him, pressing his forehead into his shoulder, and he realizes, as he does so, that he wishes he could have done this years ago.

He wishes that he could have done this when he first walked into the small hospital bedroom, eyes fixated on the stump where Erwin's arm used to be, cut off just below his bicep. He wishes that he could have cradled Erwin's face in his hands that day, kissing him, telling him that everything would be okay.

Levi doesn't realize that he's crying until he feels Erwin's hand, gently lifting his chin up. He doesn't realize that he's crying until he blinks his eyes open to look at Erwin and his vision is obscured by tears. He tries to blink them away quickly, but Erwin is faster, thumbing away the wetness with a soft, concerned look on his face.

"Levi?" He asks softly, eyebrows pulling together, "Are you alright?"

And Levi nods quickly in response, even though the motion makes the room spin. But he is alright. He's more than alright. It's just that...

"I wish I could have done this before..." He murmurs, voicing the truth. Because of course, Erwin is the one to coax it out of him. He always is.

Erwin spares him a soft, sad smile in return, leaning down to press a quick kiss to the corner of his lips. "It's okay," He returns softly, reassuringly, "That doesn't matter now."

And while he's right - it's all in the past - it doesn't help the overwhelming guilt that rises up in Levi's chest again. "But-"

"But nothing," Erwin replies, cutting Levi off before he can say anything else, "It doesn't matter, okay? You’re here now."

And while Levi is used to taking orders from Erwin, this isn't an order. It's a request. In fact, the other man hasn't given him an order in a very long time, but... But Levi trusts him, completely and fully. So he nods, even if he still does feel a little guilty, and he tries to let it go. " _Okay._ "

He leans up at that, catching Erwin's lips in another kiss, his hands splaying out over the other man's chest. And he'll be damned if it doesn't feel good to finally reach out and touch him like this. He's uncertain how long he's really wanted to do so, but Erwin lets him, kissing him back just as passionately, hand wiping away any excess tears before reaching down and popping the top button off of Levi's shirt.

With one hand, the action is a little slow, so Levi pulls away after a moment, brushing Erwin's hand away gently to do it on his own, quickly unbuttoning his own shirt and shucking it off, letting it fall to the floor behind him. And while he feels small - tiny - compared to Erwin like this, the man towering over him like he is now, the soft gaze that Erwin gives him, coupled with the gentle touch of his hand on his chest, make him feel better. Erwin _always_ makes him feel better.

But when Levi reaches forward, fingers grabbing for the belt of Erwin's pants, the other man stops him. He's still gentle, still caring, but Levi takes the hint and comes to halt, looking up at Erwin through his lashes.

"We don't have to do this," Erwin assures softly, "Right now. We have all the time in the world, Levi. I don't want you to think that we have to, just because-"

"I want to," Levi mutters before Erwin finishes speaking. He's sitting up higher, then, kneeling in front of him instead of sitting, so they're almost at eye level, and reaches forward, catching Erwin's face between his hands. He leans in, pressing their foreheads together and before Erwin has a chance to speak again, he's breathing, "I want you. I want this. _Please_ , Erwin."

He doesn't realize how badly he needs it - Erwin's touch, his kiss - until the other man tries to stop him. And maybe it's because there's years worth of could have, should have beens pent up inside of Levi's head, and he aches to make up for them, but that doesn't matter. What matters is he wants the man in front of him right now, more than anything else in the world, even if he hadn't known it until now.

Erwin nods against him at that, his own hand coming up to press softly on the side of Levi's cheek. "Okay," He murmurs quietly, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips, "Okay, I've got you."

Erwin kisses him then, and it’s everything it should be - slow and passionate and hot and needy all at the same time. It’s everything that Levi needs to make his knees weak and his chest swell and tears almost prick at the corners of his eyes again. He holds them back, though, pressing into the kiss, into Erwin. He holds them back as he lets a hand trail down, pausing at Erwin’s hips before parting.

"Can I?" He murmurs softly, and part of Levi registers that this is what a real first time should be like. Soft touches and wet kisses and murmured words.

He feels Erwin nod against him, and when the other man speaks, he notes how breathless he sounds, voice low and soft, unlike his normal tone. “Yeah. _Yeah_.”

And that’s all it takes before Levi is reaching down, fingers easily undoing Erwin’s belt, sliding his pants down as he goes. He doesn’t even notice the way his own hands tremble as he does it, though, not until Erwin’s reaching down as well, stilling one of them with his own. And then he’s looking up though half-lidded, heavy eyes, his gaze meeting Erwin’s.

And though neither of them say anything, one look says it all.

Erwin leans in at that pressing their lips together again, and he lifts up easily when Levi’s hands return to his thighs, allowing him to slide his pants the rest of the way off. And it’s awkward and shaky, trying to kick the offending fabric off while sitting on the bed, rather than laying down, but it’s perfect. Everything’s perfect.

Erwin mimics Levi’s actions, reaching down with his own hand to unbutton and slip off the smaller man’s pants, and Levi aids him, sitting up slightly and helping to pull them off when the task proves to be difficult with one hand. And while distantly, Levi wonders if things would have been different, had this happened when Erwin had both arms - if he would have been able to pull his clothes off quickly, hold him down and fuck him - he shakes the thought from his head. He shakes the thought from his head because it’s happening now and it’s a slow buildup and it’s shaky and unsure, but it’s how things should be.

In fact, Levi finds himself thinking as he sits back on his heels, naked under Erwin’s gaze, he’d prefer it this way. He’d prefer it slow and easy and soft. He decides that it means more, this being in the small, intimate little cabin like this, versus being hard and fast, spread out over the desk in Erwin’s old office. And while they’ll have time for things like that - and part of Levi distantly registers that he’s already thinking about _next time_ \- this time should be like this. Raw and emotional.

Because that’s who they are, right?

"How do you want-" Levi begins to ask, glancing down at Erwin as the other man pulls his own underwear off to match him, cock jutting out from between his hips. His words are cut short, however, when he finally allows himself to drink in the full image of the man before him. He knows the scars that litter Erwin’s torso, but he’s never allowed himself to look, not like this, sitting back on his heels in bed with him, and he can’t help the way he stares.

Still, he doesn’t miss the small smile that graces Erwin’s features for a moment. “Come here,” He murmurs, and, despite the fact that it’s not necessarily an order, Levi rises up on his knees, doing as Erwin says and closing the gap between them. Erwin reaches out, arm wrapping around his waist, and Levi takes the hint, straddling his hips, just hovering above him.

And with the way that Levi sits, he’s just barely taller than Erwin, so he takes a moment to lean down, both hands caressing either side of his face, and kisses him. It’s quicker now, with a little bit more tongue and teeth, and Levi revels in the little gasp that Erwin lets out when he takes his bottom lip between his teeth and pulls, just slightly. He smirks against his lips, soothing the bite with his tongue before pulling away.

It’s an awkward position, Erwin underneath him like this, with only one arm for balance, so Levi can’t help the way he glances down at him, chewing his own bottom lip for a moment before asking, “If you’re uncomfortable, we-“

"No," Erwin murmurs, and as if to accent his point, his grip around Levi’s waist tightens. "I want you here." And Levi can’t argue that, so to at least take some of the leverage, he wraps his arms around Erwin’s neck, holding himself upright.

"Like that?" He asks softly, and he can feel the smile on the other man’s lips when he presses them just softly against his neck.

“Yeah,” He murmurs, and his voice drops again, low and breathy, sending a shiver down Levi’s spine. Erwin lets go of Levi for a moment - letting the other man hold up his own weight - and holds his fingers up to his mouth at that. And thankfully, Levi takes the hint, catching two of them between his lips and pulling them into his mouth and sucking, coating them liberally with his saliva. Distantly, he curses himself for not having something else, but then again, he also hadn’t expected this to be happening…

Still, it doesn’t change the low lidded look he gives Erwin as he sucks on his fingers for a few more seconds, nor does it change the hungry look that Erwin gives him in return. No, it’s not perfect, but they’ll make it work.

Levi releases Erwin’s fingers after a moment, and the other man leans up for a quick kiss as they find their place, cool and slick on his ass. Levi actually jumps slightly at the sudden contact, and the action earns a small chuckle from Erwin. “Let me know if you need me to slow down,” He murmurs softly, his fingers spreading Levi apart as he speaks, and as if the light touch wasn’t enough to make him want to melt, Erwin's voice, low and hot in his ear pretty much does the trick.

Levi leans forward at that, lifting himself up to give Erwin better access and manages a nod against his shoulder as the other man presses inside, just slightly. It’s a dull burn, and it’s something Levi hasn’t felt in quite a long time, but it’s not unwelcome when Erwin presses a quick kiss against his hair, pushing his finger in further.

"That okay?" He asks, voice low, and Levi almost loses it. Almost.

“Yes,” He bites in return, rocking his hips slightly as if to convince him, “Just… Keep going.” And he can hear the soft huff of hair that Erwin lets out at that, certain that he’s smiling right now, getting a kick out of the way that Levi unravels.

When Erwin adds a second finger, Levi can’t help the way that he clutches against his back, fighting back the urge to bite his shoulder in response. He does fight back a moan, though, letting out a soft, shaky breath instead. Erwin moves slow - almost too slow - and before long, Levi is rocking back against those two fingers, throwing his head back at the sensation.

Erwin takes that moment to lean forward, lips brushing against the exposed section of skin of Levi’s neck. “More?” He murmurs softly.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Levi breathes. He opens his eyes, looking down at the man below him, “What do you think?”

And at that, Erwin actually laughs. It’s soft and breathy, but it’s a laugh, the corners of his eyes even crinkling up. “I think we might have to take this slow,” He murmurs, leaning in to kiss his neck again, “Just to see…”

“Erwin…” Levi warns with just a hint of danger in his tone, and that’s exactly when the other man chooses to press third finger in, just slightly. And Levi has to swallow yet another moan, his fingers digging into Erwin’s flesh.

"It's okay," Erwin murmurs, pressing yet another wet kiss to Levi's neck as he tentatively pumps his fingers, stretching him slowly, "Let it out."

And at the sound of his voice - and the wetness of his lips and the feeling of his fingers inside of him - Levi can't help but finally moan out at that. It's low and guttural and shaky, but it's _something_ , and he can feel Erwin's lips curl up into a smile against his neck.

"Just like that," Erwin coaxes, "You sound beautiful."

"Fucking hell, Erwin," Levi breaths, letting his head fall forward. He's rocking back to meet the thrusts of Erwin's fingers now, and that sensation, coupled with Erwin's words, low and hot in his ear, is almost too much. "If you keep talking like that, this isn't going to last very long."

Erwin just chuckles in return. "I'll keep that in mind," He mutters, and Levi can't help the way that he smiles at his words, because Erwin is already thinking about _next time_ , too.

And it's at that moment that Levi decides that he's had enough preparation, swiveling his hips easily down onto Erwin's fingers. He's almost doing all of the work now, and he's ready - _so ready_ \- to feel Erwin. And thankfully, Erwin seems to have the same thought, because at that moment, he's withdrawing his fingers, and Levi can't help the small gasp he lets out at the loss of pressure.

Erwin takes another moment to spit into his hand, and Levi lifts his own hips up slightly, glancing down to watch as he slicks himself up. It's unsanitary and it's not preferred, but Levi can't bring himself to care, not now. They'll figure something else out down the road, but right now, he needs Erwin. And when Erwin is done, Levi helps position himself over his cock, settling over him until he can feel just the tip pressing in, just slightly. And he wants nothing more than to sink down, hard and fast, but he doesn't, because he also wants to take it slow. Easy.

When Erwin does press up, however, Levi can't help the way he lets himself sink down onto him, just slightly in response, earning a hiss from the man below him. He moves slowly, letting Erwin slide into him easily, and once he's fully sheathed, Levi leans forward, arms draped lazily around his neck. Their lips slot easily together, and while the kiss is messy, all teeth and tongue, it's slow and warm as well. And after a moment of letting the initial burn subside, Levi lifts his hips up, just slightly, before sliding them back down.

Erwin's hand holds onto Levi's hip, gripping onto as much flesh as possible, fingers digging into his skin, as Levi begins to set a rhythm, swiveling his hips down before lifting himself back up again. And Erwin is big, at first the drag of his cock is almost more pain that pleasure, but eventually, it evens out, and when Levi angles himself just right, Erwin presses into a little spot inside of him, one that causes him to throw his head back and let out another trembling moan.

" _There_?" Erwin asks, voice suddenly low in his ears, and Levi can't help the way that he nods shakily in response. And then Erwin is thrusting up, meeting Levi's hips, and hitting that spot again. And Levi actually has to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep himself from screaming out.

Erwin chuckles beneath him again, and normally, Levi would smack him or come back with some sort of sarcastic comment, but he can't now, not with the way that Erwin is meeting his every thrust. Not with the way that Erwin's lips are wet and heavy on his neck.

And while the position is nice - Levi quickly figures out the perfect angle of his hips to pull Erwin in the deepest, earning soft, breathy moans from him - it's strenuous. Especially for the two of them, Levi with his bad leg and Erwin with his one arm. And eventually, Erwin has to let go of Levi's hip in favor of holding himself up. Eventually, Levi's legs begin to shake as he lifts his hips up only to slide back down, again and again, and whether it's because he's old and tired or if it's because he knows he's getting close, heat pooling in his stomach, he's uncertain. But apparently, Erwin seems to notice, because he's leaning forward at that, pressing their lips together before murmuring, just softly, "Lie down."

And while he'd rather not pull off of Erwin's dick - he's close, _so_ close - he listens, sliding his hips up before doing as Erwin says and lying back on the mattress. Thankfully, Erwin is quick - he's probably close, too - and it doesn't take long before he's re-positioning himself, sliding in at a new angle that makes Levi whine high in his throat. And he feels Erwin's lips curl up into another smile as they suck a mark into the crook of his neck.

And it's slow. It's slow and easy, and Levi can't help the way he clutches onto Erwin's shoulders as the man above him manages to hit just the right spot on every thrust. And he can't help the way that he leans up, catching Erwin's parted lips in a breathless kiss, moaning into his mouth because he's close, _so, so close._

He reaches down eventually, pumping himself along with Erwin's thrusts, and it doesn't take long after that. It doesn't take long before he's coming, stilling and clenching around Erwin, mouth open in a silent scream. And it doesn't take long before Erwin is finishing as well, just shortly after him, thrusting once, short and shallow, then again, deeper, filling Levi up, moaning into the crook of his neck.

And they lie like that, breathless and sweaty and _gross_ by Levi's standards for a few moments, catching their breath and coming down, and it's _okay_. It's perfect and it's everything Levi needed and, judging by the look in Erwin's eyes when he finally sits up, looking down at him, it's everything he needed, too.

Levi leans up at that, propped up on his elbows, and he can't help the smile that finds its place on his lips when he looks up at him. He can't help it, because, while he hadn't always known, he knows now that he loves Erwin, truly and wholly. And he knows, looking up at him, that Erwin feels the same.

And Levi lets himself take a breath, looking up at the man above him, memorizing the way that his eyes crinkle when he smiles back at him, the way that his hair sticks to his forehead, the way he sounds when he chuckles slightly, leaning down to press a kiss on his lips. Levi lets himself relax into the touch. Lets himself sit still.

For the first time in a long time, he's content to stay in one place, as long as Erwin is there.


	13. Valleys And Mountaintops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Where ever you are_   
> _When ever you need me_   
> _Just crawl in my arms_   
> _Oh and I'll hold you beside me_
> 
> _I want my love to surround you_   
> _I want my love to surround you_   
> _And I'll just sing it out_   
> _I want my love to surround you_
> 
> _I search valleys and mountaintops_  
>  _Rolling hills and ticking clocks_  
>  _Were all I heard all that sound_  
>  _Never thought love could be found_  
>  \- [Surround You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yxx1sL_WWg) \- Echosmith
> 
> A/N:  
> I was going to wait to post this last chapter, but I finally finished it and was super excited to get it up, so here you go! This has been one of my absolute favorite fics to write and I'm so glad that you all have enjoyed it as much as I have!  
> This last chapter kind of serves as an epilogue. There were a few loose ends that I wanted to tie up, so I figured that this would be a good way to end it. Let me know what you think!  
> And a big thank you to EVERYONE who's read, commented or kudoed (is that a word?) this! You're the reason I keep writing, and you're all lovely. I'm definitely not done writing for this pairing, either, so keep an eye out! :]
> 
> Also, these pictures were my inspiration/kind of how I pictured the valley that the group goes through after the canyon in this chapter: [here](http://500px.com/photo/23990335) and [here](http://500px.com/photo/45065598).

Looking back on it, the winter passes by pretty quickly. Or at least, it goes by quickly when Levi isn't constantly worried about getting stuck. When he's not stressing about the next mission and getting out of the small little town and deeper into the mountains. No, winter goes quickly, with a warm body pressed next to his own at the end of the night and soft lips to wake him up the next morning.

The morning after everything - after their talk on the cliff and the kiss and them falling into bed together - Levi finds himself blinking awake, his head on Erwin's chest, arm draped around his waist, naked legs tangled together underneath thick blankets. And for that moment, he doesn't feel the urge to get up. He doesn't feel the need to pull away and sit up and get ready for the day. Instead, he just glances up at Erwin's sleeping face, smiles, and closes his eyes again. Because it feels good to relax. And he never thought he'd say it, but it feels good, having someone to wake up to.

And it might not be permanent, but slowly, throughout the winter, the little house on the mountainside begins to feel more and more like home, with Erwin by his side.

The morning after everything, Levi awakes before Erwin, and though he doesn't want to leave the bed, he decides to get up eventually, once the sun starts trickling in through the windows. He gently removes his tangled limbs from Erwin's, standing slowly so as not to wake him up, and with a small smile down at him, crosses the room quietly to pull on some clean clothes and a coat before heading outside.

And just like their first morning in the small mountain town, Hanji sits alone outside, tending a small campfire. With a deep breath, Levi steps forward and off of the porch, hugging his coat to him as he approaches her. He hasn't really spoken to Hanji much since their last heated discussion. They've talked business, and they've said a few words in passing, but nothing serious. And just like with Sasha and Connie, quite a few mornings ago, he feels the need to thank her. And to apologize.

He takes a seat next to Hanji at the campfire, and for a moment, things are quiet. He fixes his gaze forward, down at the fire, then up at the mountains before them, at the way that the sun peaks over them through a thin veil of clouds. It's going to be a cold day, but it's beautiful out. And Levi realizes that he could easily get used to this.

When Levi eventually opens his mouth to speak, it's at the same time that Hanji does so.

"Levi-"

"You were right," He says, and somehow, his words ring louder than hers.

Hanji cocks her head to the side at that, a small smile spreading across her face. She's never really been one to hide her emotions, and as the smile widens into something that could easily be called a _shit eating grin_ , Levi resists the urge to roll his eyes. She opens her mouth to speak again, but he stops her.

"You know something like this is hard for me," He grumbles, "So don't you dare ruin it with whatever you're about to say."

And at that, Hanji's mouth closes, but she keeps grinning. She nods, "Alright."

It's quiet for a few moments, too, Hanji looking at Levi expectantly, and Levi staring down at the fire. He's not really good with words - he never has been - but he likes to think that maybe, he's gotten a little better recently. And thankfully, he and Hanji are close. He's never really had to say much for her to understand what he means. So when Levi speaks again, short and sweet, he's certain that Hanji gets it, especially with the way she reaches over in response, grabbing his hand and squeezing it softly.

"Thank you," He murmurs, soft and quiet, "For everything."

* * *

 

Winter goes by rather quickly. Or at least, a lot faster than Levi had originally thought it would.

Yeah, winter goes by relatively fast for Levi with Erwin's lips pressed against his back at night and his warm arm draped around his waist in the morning. Things go by fast, easy, when Levi allows himself to relax into the touches, to melt under Erwin's gaze. And for the first time in a long time, Levi is alright with staying in one place. He's alright staying there because he realizes, rather quickly, that not only does he have someone who loves him - who's _always_ loved him - unconditionally, but that he also has friends that value him and need him and love him as well. 

For the first time in a long time, Levi realizes one morning, stepping out of the little cabin and into the lightly falling snow - looking out over the faces of his comrades and friends - that he belongs.

So winter goes by quickly. It goes by quickly when Levi isn't fighting it with every single step. Even though most days are slow and boring, and even though Levi gets bored of tracing over maps for Erwin again and again until they're perfect, he doesn't feel anxious. His hands don't shake when he thinks about the fact that they still have a couple of months to go before they can embark on their journey west again.

Hell, he even finds himself smiling more often, and he's certain that Erwin catches it too, because one morning, he's stopping him before he can walk out the front door of the cabin - the cabin that they've been gradually making into a _home,_ he thinks - with a gentle hand on his waist. And Levi doesn't even hesitate. He doesn't try to pull out of the grip, as he probably would have in the past. No, instead, without a second thought, he's turning so that he's facing Erwin, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Can I help you?" He teases lightly, because he _does_ have things to do and horses to feed, after all.

And Erwin just grins in response, pulling Levi - who complies easily - closer, leaning down as if to kiss him, but pauses, just shy of his lips. "Have I ever told you that I love your smile?" Erwin asks instead, and, despite the compliment, Levi can't help but scoff, shoving him away slightly.

"Stop being so sentimental, old man," He mutters, and he goes to step away, but Erwin holds him tight, keeping him close. And if he's being honest, Levi doesn't really fight the grip that much. He can't, not when Erwin gives him the look that he does.

"Cut the act," He murmurs, leaning down once more, "Nobody else can see you, so stop acting so tough."

And though he doesn't want Erwin to win - because this is _exactly_ what he wants - Levi can't help but crack a smile. And without another word, he's standing on his toes, reaching up, fingers gripping the collar of Erwin's coat, and pulling him down for a kiss.

* * *

 

They don't tell anyone. It's not that they don't want to, but they don't necessarily need to. And while they're not very public with their affection, Levi and Erwin just safely assume that by the time they start preparing to leave the little mountainside town behind in the spring, everyone in their small squad at least has their suspicions about their relationship. After all, while they're not public about things, Erwin's soft, fleeting touches on Levi's hip as he passes by him don't necessarily go by unnoticed. Neither do the lingering gazes that Levi shoots Erwin over the campfire on some evenings, and neither does the fact that they share the same cabin throughout the entire winter.

Afterall, if Hanji saw it before it happened, everyone else has to have noticed it by now. So they don't feel the need to announce anything, and their relationship quickly falls into something easy. Familiar. By the time that winter starts to fade away and the snow begins melting in the meadow, it feels as if they've always been together. Hell, in a way, they always have been. Levi's always been able to easily fall into step at Erwin's side, has always felt at home next to him, has always been able to be himself around him. But now, he gets to fall into bed next to him at the end of the day. He gets to reach for the reassuring touch of his hand or lean up into the soft press of his lips.

By the time snow melts in the valley and the days begin to get warmer, things feel easy. In fact, the small cabin feels like home by the time spring reaches the mountains, and to Levi's surprise, he's actually sort of dreading leaving it. 

But still, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel excited and anxious as he and Erwin begin to pack their things up one morning, readying themselves to leave. They're in their second week in a row of decent weather, and Erwin made the decision the day before that they'd be leaving within the next couple of days, heading out through the canyon as initially planned. And while the little cabin has become like home to Levi, he can't help the way he feels like he's buzzing as he helps Erwin pack up their things.

"Excited?" Erwin asks, shooting him a smile over his bag as he tries and fails to fold a shirt for the second time. Levi crosses the room, taking the piece of clothing from his hands and folds it quickly.

"A little," He admits with a small smile, handing the folded shirt back to Erwin, "Yeah."

"Not going to miss it?" Erwin presses, and Levi's grin only widens. His cheeks feel hot under Erwin's gaze.

He glances around the room, taking it all in. Studying the way that their jackets hang side by side in the doorway, the candles that are almost completely burned down on the kitchen counter, windowsills and the floor by the bed, Erwin's boots kicked off next to Levi's neatly placed ones just inside the door. They've made a home, even if it's a temporary one, in the small cabin. And while Levi will never be able to shake his need to _keep going_ \- to explore and keep moving forward - it had been nice to stay, just for a while. It had been nice to take a breath and relax, especially with Erwin by his side.

 "You know, I didn't think I would before," He mutters, "But yeah, I think I will."

Erwin promptly drops the folded shirt in his bag at that, walking around the mattress to reach for Levi on the other side. And while part of Levi wants to shy away - regardless of their relationship, he still feels naked, bearing his emotions like this - he doesn't. He allows Erwin to reach out, hand soft on his hip, pulling them close. "I will too," Erwin admits softly. He leans down at that, as if to kiss Levi, but hovers just out of reach. "I'll miss this."

Levi scoffs at that. Part of him wants to reach up on his toes to close the gap between their lips, but he waits. " _This_ isn't going anywhere," He mutters quietly, instead of saying something sarcastic. It earns a smile from Erwin.

"No?"

"No," Levi echoes. And when Erwin's smile only widens, warm and soft, the edges of it reaching his eyes, Levi sighs. He forgoes his stubbornness and leans up on his toes. "Stop being so damn sentimental and kiss me," He mutters, "Hurry up, we have work to do."

Erwin chuckles, soft and breathy, before meeting Levi halfway, pressing their lips together.

* * *

 

It takes nearly two weeks to reach the small meadow in the shadow of the towering mountains, the one that Levi had seen for the first time nine months ago, now. The one that he'd sat on the edge of a cliff and stared out at with Erwin the day that everything had changed. It takes two weeks to reach the meadow, but it's worth the wait. Because if he's being honest, Levi knows that the meadow - as far away as it is - holds some sentimental value to him. Because it was when he first saw it that he realized that he missed Erwin. And it was when he saw it again that he realized he loved him. He doesn't tell Eriwn this, but he's certain that he knows. Erwin always knows.

Still, it takes nearly two weeks to reach it. The group takes the canyon, just as Erwin had decided, and when it spits them out at the mouth of a large, open valley, the grass is finally green, spring in full swing. It's still cold in the evenings, and Levi huddles up to Erwin for warmth in their tent at night, but it's not winter. It doesn't snow after they leave the cabin, and Levi is grateful for that. He's grateful for Erwin's decisions as a Commander, too, because it takes a week for them to find any other buildings sturdy enough to stay the night in. It had been a smart move, staying in one place for the winter.

The valley that the canyon leads them to is huge, and seems to go on forever, tall, jagged mountains on either side of them as they make their way south. Nobody complains, though, and Levi isn't certain if it's because of the beauty of the mountain range that they trek through, or if it's just because they're just as happy as him to be _out_ again; to be able to stretch their legs and explore. 

And as they travel, the urgency returns to Levi. It's definitely not as strong as it had been and it doesn't hinder him, as it did before, but it's definitely there. With each day of travel, Levi can feel it in his fingers, in his chest. With each day that they don't reach that little meadow that he'd seen months ago, it grows. Levi knows it and Erwin knows it, and thankfully, Erwin does his best to curb it. He puts up with Levi when, after a long, uneventful day of travel, the smaller man can't help the way that he frantically tears his clothes off in their tent, desperate for _something_ to happen because they've been traveling for _almost two weeks_ and it feels like they've gotten nowhere. And he puts up with Levi's grumpy mood early the next morning, when they set off for what seems like another uneventful day.

Only, it isn't. The group rides along the tree line on the edge of the valley, making sure to keep heading southwest, and for the majority of the morning, the day is just like the one prior. Uneventful and easy. Until they crest a hill, and then suddenly, the scenery is changing from tall green pine trees and flat, vibrant valley, to towering, jagged and snow-capped peaks. Levi crests the hill at Erwin's side, and suddenly, he's not looking at a flat, boring valley in front of them. Instead, he's looking at the - much closer - tall, unmistakable peak that overlooked the meadow that he'd grown to love so much from afar.

It's still a little ways off, but it's close, closer than it had been when Levi had gazed upon it from that cliff with Erwin, and the man next to him seems to sense his excitement.

"Is that it?" He asks quietly, and Levi nods, sure and steady.

After that, it only takes a day. They head into the trees later that afternoon, once they're certain that they're heading in the right direction, and set up camp in the forest early in the evening, just before the sun sets.

"I know it looks close, but it _could_ take a while, especially if the terrain is rough," Erwin murmurs that evening, lying close to Levi inside of their tent. The other man is practically thrumming with excitement, but he doesn't want him to get his hopes up too easily. For all they know, there could still be another week's worth of travel ahead of them, especially with the supply wagon in tow.

Levi nods against him, but it doesn't stop the excitement that Erwin hears in his voice when he replies with a soft, "I know. But we're close. I know it."

Erwin leans in at that, lips just barely brushing against Levi's, breath warm, when he speaks again. "Excited?"

Levi grins, "You have no idea."

* * *

 

Levi doesn't really know what he expects to find in the meadow, when he eventually gets there. Hell, sometimes he doesn't even know why he wants to go there so badly. Maybe it's because it's a goal, something to work toward. Or maybe it's because it holds sentimental value to him. 

He doesn't know what he expects to find, what he expects to _feel_ when they eventually reach the meadow, but whatever it is, words can't even begin to describe it when he finally lays eyes on the rolling green grass and the still, clear water of the lake late that next afternoon, standing next to his horse, Erwin at his side, their squad trailing in after them. Words can't even begin to describe how he feels when he finally lays eyes on the meadow as they exit the tree line, just as beautiful up close as it had been far away, with the huge peak towering over it, like its keeping watch. 

It's bigger than he thought it would be - it would probably take him almost an hour to walk the entire edge of the meadow - but it's just as beautiful, if not more so, than he imagined. The outer edges are dotted with small, just barely blooming wildflowers, and Levi can't help but wonder what they would look like in the summer, in full bloom, colors painting the meadow. The grass is tall, almost up to his knees in places, but short around the lake, tapering off into soft sand and for a moment, he wants nothing more than to just rip his boots off and wade into the cold water, but he doesn't. Instead, he stands still, taking it all in.

While nothing outside of the walls has been touched by men in hundreds of years, there's something different about the meadow. Something that hasn't _ever_ been tainted by humanity or titans or war or death. It's perfect. It's Levi's perfect little piece of Heaven, because he's certain that if there _is_ a Heaven, this is it.

And it's at that thought that he reaches out instinctively for Erwin's hand. And his heart swells when he feels the other man lace his fingers in his own, because in a split second, everything changes. Maybe it's because of the beauty of the meadow, or maybe it's because finally _being there_ makes everything feel so _real_ \- because it feels like everything has been leading up to this - but whatever it is, it has Levi sucking in a sharp, deep breath. It has his knees feeling weak and his chest feeling light because in a second, he knows that if Erwin asked him to stay - to stay in this meadow and never leave, to take a breath and _linger_ \- he'd do it in a heartbeat. And though it won't happen - it's in their nature to keep going, to keep exploring - it doesn't stop the thought from settling in Levi's head, and it doesn't stop the way that he grips tight onto Erwin's hand in return.

He hasn't spoken a word - nobody has - since they arrived at the meadow, and finally, Erwin is the first to break the silence.

" _Levi?_ " His voice is quiet gentle, tinged with just a hint of concern, and it reaches out to Levi like a bright light, shaking him out of the daze that he's in. He quickly realizes that he's gripping tightly onto Erwin's hand and he loosens his grip but doesn't let go. He never wants to let go.

"Yeah," He breaths in response.

"Are you alright?" Erwin asks, and Levi's heart surges. Because of course, even now, when things have never been better, Erwin's still worried about him. The guilt about that, though, has long since subsided - eased by kisses and reassurances from Erwin - and in its place, Levi feels a warmth settle in his chest, a feeling that he never wants to go away. Because Erwin cares. He always has. That's why they're there, isn't it? Because Erwin cares.

Levi turns at that, tearing his gaze away from the lake and the meadow and the mountain, and looks up at Erwin. He gazes up at Erwin and their squad and the wide-eyed looks on _their_ faces, and he knows that he made the right choice. In fact, he can't imagine himself anywhere else. Now, standing in the meadow that seemed so far away only a few weeks ago, he can't even fathom why he'd ever wanted to leave Erwin in the first place. The thought of it actually weighs his chest down, so he pushes that aside, because Erwin is looking down at him, waiting for an answer, and Levi will be damned if he doesn't give him one.

So he takes a step forward, his other hand reaching out to snake around Erwin's waist and leans up on his toes, bodies close, almost pressing together. Because he feels like he's been waiting his entire life for this moment, he just hadn't known it before.

"Never been better," He murmurs, and then he's leaning up, his lips meeting Erwin's, his eyes fluttering closed.

And for a moment, he lets himself linger, though he knows he always will with Erwin. Because things aren't urgent anymore. Because they have the time to love, now, to take it all in, so that's exactly what he does.

Levi takes a breath.


End file.
